Intimacy & desire : awaken the passion in your relationship

Intimacy & desire Awaken the passion in your relationship

David Morris Schnarch, 1946-

Book - 2009

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Subjects
Intimacy (Psychology)
Sex (Psychology)
Desire.
Interpersonal relations.
Published
New York, NY : Beaufort Books c2009.
Language
English
Main Author
David Morris Schnarch, 1946- (-)
Edition
1st ed
Physical Description
xx, 428 p. : 24 cm
Bibliography
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN
9780825306297
  • Introduction
  • Part One. Why Normal People Have Sexual Desire Problems
  • 1. There is Always a Low Desire Parmer and the Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex
  • Sex Is Not a ôNatural Functionö
  • There Is Always a ôLow Desire Partnerö and a ôHigh Desire Partnerö
  • The Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex
  • How the Low Desire Partner Controls Sex
  • Where We're Headed
  • 2. Since Your ôSelfö Showed Up, Sexual Desire Hasn't Been the Same
  • Three Drives of Sexual Desire and Love
  • A Fourth Sexual Drive: Developing and Maintaining a Self
  • Biology, Environment, Culture, and Mind in the Evolution of Desire and Love
  • Co-Evolution: Mind, Brain, Body, and Relationship Are One Whole
  • The Crucible® Approach to Co-Evolution Through Love Relationships
  • 3. The Low Desire Partner Usually Controls the High Desire Partner's Adequacy
  • It Starts at the Beginning: Being Normal
  • Borrowed Functioning
  • Developing a Solid Flexible Self
  • Mapping Your Partner's Mind
  • People Who Can't Control Themselves Control the People Around Them
  • The Answer to the Age-Old Question: Does Marriage Kill Sex?
  • Part Two. How We Co-Evolve Through Sexual Desire Problems
  • 4. Holding On to Your Self
  • The Four Points of BalanceTM
  • Emotional Gridlock
  • Differentiation
  • Four Points of Balance: Balancing Attachment and Autonomy
  • The Cure for Emotional Gridlock
  • 5. Intimacy Shapes Your Sexual Desire
  • Other-Validated Intimacy and Self-Validated Intimacy
  • Intimacy Is a System, Just Like Sexual Desire
  • Dependence on Other-Validated Intimacy Creates Emotional Gridlock
  • Gridlock over Intimacy Creates Low Desire
  • Shifting to Self-Confrontation and Self-Validated Intimacy
  • Creating Inter subjective Experiences
  • Adult Intimacy Harnesses the Best in You
  • 6. Changing Monogamy from Martyrdom to Freedom
  • Monogamy, Adultery, and Human Nature
  • Monogamy Is Not a Promise, It's a System!
  • Monogamy Creates Low Desire in Poorly Differentiated Couples
  • Things Reach Critical Mass
  • Going Through the Crucible
  • Stronger Four Points of Balance Makes Monogamy Operate Differently
  • 7. Desire Fades When You Stop Growing
  • Sexual Boredom Is Normal
  • When Your Partner Becomes Too Important to You, Desire Problems Surface
  • Anxiety-Regulation Through Accommodation
  • (Lack of) Desire, Intimacy, Freedom, and Sexual Novelty Prompt You to Grow
  • Part Three. Sexual Desire Problems: How Your Personal Life Fits In
  • 8. Wanting, Not Wanting to Want, and Two-Choice Dilemmas
  • Desire: A Capacity You Can Develop
  • Choosing Your Partner
  • Consciously Chosen, Freely Undertaken Desire
  • Desire Problems Involve Two-Choice Dilemmas
  • Do You Treat Your Partner Like a Friend?
  • Hold On to Your Self: Self-Confrontation and Self-Soothing
  • 9. Normal Marital Sadism, the Devil's Pact, and Other Dark Stuff
  • Normal Marital Sadism
  • The Problem Isn't Your Lack of Relationship, It's the Relationship You Have
  • The Devil's Pact: Initiation Deals
  • The Crucible of Marriage
  • 10. What Does It Take to Really Change Things? Safety, Growth, and Critical Mass
  • Safety and Security in Marriage
  • Balancing Comfort, Safety, and Growth
  • Critical Mass: The Point of Fundamental Change
  • Marriage's Grand Design
  • Part Four. Using Your Body Rewiring Your Brain, And Co-Evolving In Bed
  • 11. A Collaborative Alliance Is More Important Than Perfect Technique
  • Collaborative Alliances
  • Some Families Never Have Collaborative Alliances
  • Maintain a Resilient Collaborative Alliance
  • Methods for Building a Physical Collaborative Alliance
  • Put Your Collaborative Alliance to Good Use
  • 12. Curing Ticklishness and Noxious Touch
  • What Is Ticklishness?
  • Curing Ticklishness
  • Other Ways of Understanding Ticklishness
  • Collaborative Alliance: The Key to Resolving Ticklishness in the Moment
  • Resolving Ticklishness for the Long Term
  • Impacts of Ticklishness on Sexual Desire
  • Doing the Seemingly Impossible
  • 13. Tender Loving Sex
  • New Application of Familiar Tools
  • Desire, Sex, Brain, and Self
  • Benefits of Tender Loving Sex
  • Exploring Your Sexual Potential
  • 14. Blow Your Mind!
  • People Don't Fuck with Their Support System
  • Oral Sex: Fabulous for Changing Your Brain with Your Body and Mind
  • Receiving Can Be a Special From of Giving
  • How to Use Your Mind and Body When Giving or Receiving Head
  • Ignite Desire in Your Bedroom
  • Appendix A. Referral Information
  • Appendix B. Overcoming Discomfort with Oral Sex
  • References
  • End Notes
  • Index
Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

Readers sick of typical glossy-magazine self-help patter about reigniting romance, or the droning pomposity of most author-experts, will be pleasantly surprised with psychologist and sex therapist Schnarch (Passionate Marriage). He immediately catches readers' attention by agreeing that the common "just do it" approach to solving sexual problems is not only ineffective, but often results in one partner responding with a decisive "Don't tell me what to do!" That kind of understanding produces a number of unexpected bombshells-including "Marriage does kill desire"-which produce an uncanny effect: getting couples to stop and reconsider their emotions, quit blaming each other, and start to think (and act) differently regarding sexual situations, behaviors and attitudes. The book's flaws are more aggravating than genuinely problematic-a tendency to lean on jargon and trademark key phrases ("Four Points of BalanceT")-but O'Neill breaks down complex issues with loosely-drawn real life examples, illustrating the dramatic and fundamental changes that occur when couples have a greater understanding of desire, monogamy and the brain. The process is neither easy nor quick, but Schnarch's confidence is contagious. (Oct.) Copyright 2009 Reed Business Information.

Review by Library Journal Review

Licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist Schnarch (Passionate Marriage) believes that too often when people marry, their partners become more important to them than they are to themselves, which leads to a lack of real intimacy and thus a lack of sexual desire. He breaks the problem down into four parts, looking at why normal people have sexual desire problems, how to co-evolve through sexual desire problems, how your personal life fits in, and using your body to co-evolve in bed. Readers are encouraged to work on their own emotional maturity in order to improve their marriage. The author does not deal here with low sexual desire caused by medical problems (look, instead, to one of his earlier books, Resurrecting Sex). Verdict This is not a quick or simple approach to intimacy; it is challenging, comprehensive, and eye-opening. Those who are married, hoping to be married, and looking to stay married will find it invaluable and approachable.-Mary E. Jones Reference Librarian, Los Angeles P.L. (c) Copyright 2010. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

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