Just Take the Picture 1 The Family Portrait Walk into just about anyone's home and you can find one hanging prominently on the wall proudly displayed for all to see. An attempt at wish fulfillment for Mom and Dad, the family portrait provides the chance for them to capture the ideal vision of their brood--ridiculously happy, clean-cut, well-dressed, and not trying to kill one another. For some of us, the image was created in a mall studio where a "professional" photographer arranged us by height, tilted our heads, placed our hands on our siblings' shoulders, and reminded us to keep smiling despite the blinding lights in our faces and the dreary backdrop behind us. Others opted for the old self-timer technique, which left us frozen in the same position for over an hour while Dad tried to make the damn thing work. But if we look past the matching sweaters and the choreographed poses, we will often see a more interesting story--the true family dynamic, complete with quirks and vulnerabilities. Perhaps not the ideal family Mom and Dad were hoping to spotlight, but the results are often the most honest snapshots of all. A TOUCH OF WICKER The photographer felt that adding a fake plant would make this portrait look more natural. THE HOMESTEAD This family sends a mixed message of "Welcome to our home" and "Stay the hell off our property." THE ONION Choose your own adventure. PUNKS IN SPACE Generational differences can be put aside in a galaxy far, far away. THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE COUCH But the chairs are all taken. THE SPACE BETWEEN He felt he had been carrying them for too long. BEHIND THE AWKWARDNESS This is the first photo we took after moving to Humble, Texas, from Chicago in 1981. My dad's intention was that we should look the part. You be the judge. The Bychowski Family Humble, Texas My parents always wanted a boy, so they forced us to show our manly side with these homemade ties. The Perry Family Redmond, Washington We went to Holland, where my mother is from, and had this picture taken. The thing that strikes me most is the fact that we are doing several activities awkwardly close to each other that are not particularly compatible--spinning wool, pouring hot water, and cleaning fish? Oh, and did I mention the wooden shoes? ALL MY CHILDREN You know there's drama in the family when there is literally an elephant in the room. CONFESSIONS OF A PORTRAIT PHOTOGRAPHER For all the families who came to my portrait studio, I have a confession to make. I know that I told you forty-five degree head turns and hands on shoulders were good ideas, but as you're probably well aware now, that kind of wasn't true. Here's the story. When I took the job, the company made all of the photographers go through this old-school training program that probably hadn't been updated since the fifties. They told us that these "popular" poses were the best sellers and that it was our job to sell them. So, when you asked us, "Does this look good to you?" and I told you with a straight face, "It's good enough to be in a magazine!", what I really should have said was, "Maybe in 1953." For that, I'm sorry, and although you might never have made it into that magazine, I can say that your family portrait is probably good enough to make it into this book. DUST STORM Imagine growing up and never even knowing what a crumb looks like. CLOSE FAMILY This baby has just experienced its first invasion of personal space. AWKWARD FAMILY POSES The Armshelf The '69 Mustang, Aviator sunglasses, the Armshelf. Need we say more? This classic pose simply and elegantly states, "I'm carefree, playful, and badass enough to support the weight of my own head when lying on my side in a horizontal position." If that's the vibe you're going for, then the A-shelf is one weapon you should consider adding to your arsenal. The Lean Warning: This pose isn't for the conservative family. It's for the clan with sass, one that wants to convey, "Heads up," "Coming at ya," "In your face," "Take a closer look," and, of course, "You rang?" Combine with two arm-fold bookends and you've got yourselves an album scorcher. The Pile-On For that tight-knit group who are so close, they are literally on top of one another. For maximum comfort, go denim. The Oh-What-a-Feeling If you get the urge to jump for joy at your next family reunion, then reach for the sky with this overly enthusiastic fan favorite. Fully extended arms won't get you any higher, but they will distract others from noticing there's only an inch between you and the ground. MY TWO DADS If only there was some way to tell who is who... SAY MY NAME, SAY MY NAME ...Ah, that's more like it. MATCHY-MATCHY Even though they share the same last name, physical features, and chromosomal makeup, some families feel the need to present even more evidence that they're related. What better way to do that than through the unifying power of matching clothing? THE LOOKOUT Mind the fro. PICTURE PERFECT For Mom and Dad, taking the family portrait is serious business. After all, this is their chance to show everyone at work how perfect their kids are. So, when things go awry, they are there to keep the progeny in line. Sort of. Excerpted from Awkward Family Photos by Mike Bender, Doug Chernack All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
