Chapter One Step 1: Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically...on children than the unlived life of the parent. --Carl Jung CONFESSIONS OF A SELFISH MOTHER To my friends and neighbors, my life seems pretty crazy. "You're doing too much," people tell me constantly. I write a blog, and I of course wrote this book. I run the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. I give several talks a month about raising happy kids, and I teach a parenting class, which I love doing. I'm active on committees at schools and our church. I try to pick up my kids from school several times a week. I'm fortunate that my work hours are flexible, which means I do a lot of my work at, um, 4:30 in the morning. I think the key to staying sane (and healthy) as an involved working parent is actually to do more rather than less: more for yourself, that is. I try to go to the gym several days a week, even though the classes I like best are occasionally during prime family time. I try to spend a good deal of time with my friends, with and without the kids, eating out, sharing belly laughs and soulful confessions. I paint and I read for pleasure. I go on meditation retreats. I might be doing a lot, but I am often wildly happy by any measure. The only time that I don't do so well is when I let the balance shift too far toward taking care of my children's every need before my own. I get strep throat whenever I am run-down. When I was trying to finish writing this book, I wasn't getting enough sleep (if I wake up at 4:30 a.m. to get my work done, I have to go to sleep when the kids do), and I'd been to the gym only twice in a few weeks. I'd been working a lot, so I was always trying to maximize my time with the kids. To get back on track, I knew I needed to spend more time with my friends than I had been, and I needed to have some downtime-- without the kids--doing something that nourished my soul. If I didn't? In addition to the strep throat, I started to feel fried and snippy with the kids. So instead of making the most of my limited time with Molly and Fiona, our interactions were colored by how quickly I became irritated with them because I was so tired and stressed. What I needed to do was trade time with my children for "me time" to exercise or hang out with friends. Doing this seems pretty selfish, especially for someone who is so wholeheartedly committed to my child-rearing project. Am I selfish? Should I be working less and spending more time with the kids, or working more in order to provide greater economic stability? Should I be making more and bigger personal sacrifices for my children? Would my kids benefit from more time with me? Would they be happier or better prepared for adulthood if I joined them riding bikes at the local elementary school instead of painting on Sunday afternoons? Is it narcissistic to even think that my children's well-being improves with each additional minute they spend with me? I know the answers to these questions: my own personal happiness, nourished by the time I take for myself, benefits my children. I've read the scientific studies that prove this. So out with the guilt, and in with the joy. This chapter will tell you why it is so important that you put your own oxygen mask on first-- why you should take care of your own happiness before you try to teach your kids the skills they'll need to be happy. Along the way you'll get a tour of the rest of the book and a lot of tips for how to be happy yourself. This chapter is also about that other thing that is so important to take care of before you take care of your kids: your marriage, if you've got one, or your relationship with your children's other parent, if you've got that. The quality of a marriage is Excerpted from Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents by Christine Carter All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
