Mothers who can't love : a healing guide for daughters

Mothers who can't love A healing guide for daughters

Susan Forward

Book - 2013

Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Toxic Parents, offers a powerful look at the devastating impact unloving mothers have on their daughters--and provides clear, effective techniques for overcoming that painful legacy. In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love. Filled with compelling case histories, Mothers Who Can't Love outlines the ...self-help techniques Forward has developed to transform the lives of her clients, showing women how to overcome the pain of childhood and how to act in their own best interests.--From publisher description.

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Subjects
Mothers and daughters.
Love, Maternal.
Published
New York, NY : Harper [2013]
Language
English
Main Author
Susan Forward (author)
Other Authors
Donna Frazier (author)
Edition
First edition
Physical Description
viii, 287 pages ; 24 cm
Bibliography
Includes bibliographical references (pages 273-274) and index.
ISBN
9780062204349
  • Introduction
  • Part I. Identifying the Mother Wound
  • 1. The Taboo of Questioning Your Mother's Love: "Don't you dare say anything had about your mother."
  • 2. The Severely Narcissistic Mother: "But what about me?"
  • 3. The Overly Enmeshed Mother: "You are my whole life."
  • 4. The Control Freak Mother: "Because I said so."
  • 5. Mothers Who Need Mothering: "I depend on you to take care of everything."
  • 6. Mothers Who Neglect, Betray, and Batter: "You're always causing trouble."
  • Part II. Healing the Mother Wound
  • 7. The Beginnings of Truth: "I'm starting to see it wasn't all my fault."
  • 8. Acknowledging the Painful Feelings: "It feels so good to get it all out."
  • 9. Tapping the Wisdom in Your Anger and Grief: "I'm ready to face the feelings I've pushed down for so long."
  • 10. Change Your Behavior, Change Your Life: "I see that change is really hard, but not changing is harder."
  • 11. Setting Boundaries: "I would never have believed I had the right to say no."
  • 12. Deciding What Kind of Relationship You Want Now: "I finally feel like an adult."
  • 13. The Most Difficult Decision: "It's come down to a choice between my mother and my well-being."
  • 14. Old, Sick, or Alone: The Suddenly Dependent Mother: "I have to be there for her. After all, she is still my mother."
  • Coda: Connecting, at Last, with the Good Mother
  • Acknowledgments
  • Suggested Reading
  • Index
Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

In this powerful guide, Forward (Toxic Parents) offers a lifeline for those who have suffered through a dysfunctional relationship with a parent. After defining and describing the five most common types of abusive mothers (overly enmeshed; severely narcissistic; control freak; mothers who need mothering; and those who are physically and/or emotionally abusive) Forward gets to work showing adult daughters how to address the negative beliefs that grew from an unhealthy upbringing. With empathy, she assures those who suffer that the abuse is unequivocally not their fault and offers a series of exercises designed to reveal the truth of the situation, acknowledge the pain, learn to set boundaries, and break self-defeating patterns. In a particularly sensitive area, Forward addresses the issue of incest and mothers who have been complicit in such abuse, urging incest victims to seek professional therapy. While this title is labeled as a guide for women whose mothers are unable to love, its sound advice is applicable to persons of any gender. And while readers may be overwhelmed with painful memories at some junctures-an eventuality Forward expects and addresses-this book should be considered required reading for anyone who had an abusive childhood. (Oct.) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.

(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved
Review by Library Journal Review

Therapist and author Forward (Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them) provides validation and support for women who have experienced criticism, competition, damaged trust, role reversal, and other wounding behaviors from their mothers. The book thoroughly describes the various personality types of unloving mothers: narcissists, overly enmeshed mothers, control freaks, those who need mothering themselves, and those who fail to protect their daughters from abuse. Forward validates the reader's feelings and presents effective coping mechanisms, offering suggestions on setting boundaries, negotiating for a better relationship, being assertive, and cutting off a parent entirely, if necessary. VERDICT Highly recommended for women looking to address problems with their mothers. (c) Copyright 2013. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.
Review by Kirkus Book Review

Therapist Forward (Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage, 2001, etc.) explains how recognizing the reality of an abusive mother-daughter relationship is a necessary first step in dealing with psychological problems. The author dismisses the assertion that "giving birth makes [women] inherently capable of nurturing." Using anecdotal material, she illustrates different types of toxic mothering: a narcissistic, self-absorbed mother who insists on being the center of attention, deflates her daughter's accomplishments and is super-critical; or an "engulfing mother" who is "desperate, clinging and restrictive." Too often, a daughter cannot face the possibility that her mother does not love her and instead internalizes her mother's message that it is her shortcomings that are poisoning the relationship. "The smiles and good opinion of her all-powerful mother mean everything to the dependent daughter," she writes. Taking examples from her 35-year clinical practice, Forward shows different techniques for handling these toxic relationships when they persist into adulthood. Among these are confidence-building techniques to help daughters develop insight based on journaling--e.g., compiling one list that contains her mother's false assertions and comparing it to a counter list stating the truth, burning the first list and attaching the second to a balloon. The final step in the healing process is for the daughter to confront her mother directly with nonnegotiable demands about how their relationship must change and be prepared to sever it if these are not met. A crucial part of the process is confronting grief and anger as it arises. Professional help may or may not be necessary, depending on the circumstances. A useful challenge to accepted wisdom about the normally taboo subject of mother love, with helpful tips on how to jump-start the healing process.]] Copyright Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

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