Carsick

John Waters, 1946-

Book - 2014

"John Waters is putting his life on the line. Armed with wit, a pencil-thin mustache, and a cardboard sign that reads 'I'm not psycho,' he hitchhikes across America from Baltimore to San Francisco, braving lonely roads and treacherous drivers. But who should we be more worried about: the delicate film director with genteel manners or the unsuspecting travelers transporting the Pope of Trash?"--Dust jacket flap.

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Subjects
Published
New York : Farrar, Straus and Giroux 2014.
Language
English
Main Author
John Waters, 1946- (-)
Edition
First edition
Item Description
"John Waters hitchhikes across America"--Jacket.
Physical Description
322 pages : illustrations ; 22 cm
ISBN
9780374298630
  • Going my way?
  • The best that could happen
  • The worst that could happen
  • The real thing.
Review by New York Times Review

PAUL BOWLES OBSERVED that an important difference between a tourist and a traveler "is that the former accepts his own civilization without question; not so the traveler, who compares it with the others, and rejects those elements he finds not to his liking." This difference also separates writers about travels from "travel writers." Is the voyaging writer telling us canny stories from a romping trip or using his peregrinations to relocate his place in the world? Sometimes it's difficult to tell. D.H. Lawrence knocked off travel essays about places in which he had arrived only a few hours before, but he was writing about himself and his intuitions. Bowles, for his part, lived for years in Morocco but traveled through the desert with a suitcase filled with his favorite neckties. Do we read either man for profound and meticulously earned insights about Sardinia or the Sahara, or for their ability to convey something about themselves as they pass through those places? Most writers are "passing through," and we expect no more of them. It's part of their charm, if they have any. And part of the sometimes dubious premise of travel writing itself. In the director John Waters's amusing CARSICK (Farrar, Straus & Giroux, $26), he tells us up front and quite candidly that his idea to hitchhike from one of his homes in Baltimore to another of his homes in San Francisco was dreamed up as a stunt. What else would we expect from the creator of "Hairspray"? Of course, you have to be John Waters to pull this off. The celebrity hanging around rain-sodden truck stops sticking out his thumb is simultaneously the premise, the joke and the tale. So be it. The book is divided into "fiction" and "nonfiction" sections. Both relate Waters's sundry encounters with the people who give him lifts. The fictional tales are of course fantastical and plush, and when they end after 192 pages, one is slightly relieved, especially as the real tales take over with a more convincingly deadpan wit. "O.K., here's what really happened," Waters sighs, and exchanges his imaginary freaks, charlatans and drama queens for an African-American version of Tracy Turnblad, on her way to her daughter's day care. "John Waters!" she cries from the car and gives him a ride in exchange for an autograph. The next ride is offered by a middle-aged minister's wife. And so on. The transition is defter than I can describe, but did we need 192 pages to get there? In the end, "Carsick" becomes a portrait not just of America's desolate freeway nodes - though they're brilliantly evoked - but of American fame itself. It's a hoary subject, of course. Everywhere Waters goes there is either blank ignorance of his cultural status, which produces its own tart comedy, or a dividend of some kind, which he repays with a little card that reads THANKS FOR THE LIFT. (It can be autographed of course.) A sign bearing his hitchhiking plea reads MIDLIFE CRISIS. The secret of Waters's charm is the shamelessness with which he parades it, since in due course it naturally becomes its own kind of self-deprecation. As the book progresses, moreover, there's a sinister quality to the landscape's continual absence - we are in forward motion along interchangeable roads, hotels, downtowns, gas stations, inside both a writer's neurosis and his constant conversations with others. The narrative flags sometimes, but is then revived by Waters's own campily attractive tone. Is that what we want in a travel writer's voice? Not always. When I opened Iain Sinclair's AMERICAN SMOKE (Faber & Faber, $27) I felt something very different. Here is a style both measured and sumptuously wild - a beautiful, obsessive and individual style - and it's the right weapon for attacking a monumental task: visiting American towns and landscapes associated with the Beats and the writers and poets in their orbit. Sinclair begins with a small Dantean evocation: "A good step beyond midway through my dark wood of the world, I came to America, hoping to reconnect with the heroes of my youth." He does this both by launching into an idiosyncratic poetic language and by superimposing a vast and carefully plotted literary map upon an actual one, so that Lowell, Mass., say, or nearby Gloucester on its brooding sea are explored as both the mother-places of Jack Kerouac and Charles Olson and as places in and of themselves. Individuals met are rendered with humane exactitude. Here is John Sampas, Kerouac's brother-in-law, encountered in a Lowell restaurant ("Grape-bulb lights depending. Icy-white cloth. Pink napkins. Tall menus like Orders of Service at the crematorium"). "The first physical attribute that struck me about John, when he was led to our table, and after he had removed his cap, was the permanently raised eyebrows: lightly penciled accents. Punctuation marks signaling a certain fastidiousness of discourse. . . . Now he's like a senior Beat Generation diplomat, an ambassador with polished skull, silver half-moon mustache, dangling spectacles, freshly ironed shirt. A man for whom there will always be lunches." Sinclair redraws all the strange connections that once bound poets and writers across the Atlantic. Olson and his friend Ed Dorn were cherished correspondents of the extraordinary Cambridge poet J.H. Prynne, whom Sinclair fondly remembers for his funereal corduroys and austere manners. Marvelously, the man is perfectly recalled. I, too, remember the lofty, lisping Jeremy Prynne at a later time, striding about his cloisters at Gonville and Caius like a character out of Gormenghast. But who would have recalled his friendship with a man like Olson? Sinclair reconstructs whole lineages of influences and friendships, many of them conducted through small poetry magazines. His own journey becomes a collective biography of generations. Sinclair shows how they interweave in a hundred cities and places. The Americas wash up in England, just as Sinclair has now washed up in the Americas: "Certain figures, in transit," he writes, "between Buenos Aires, Bogotá, Havana, Mexico City, Rome, Athens, Johannesburg, fetch up on the fringes of Hampstead Heath: in Highgate, West Hampstead, even Kentish Town. And they stick, they nest. They like the cafes, the sad bookshops. The indifference of London suits them. Our nicely managed corruption. The potential for disappearance." Unexpectedly, this potentially dry exercise quickly becomes wonderfully gripping, a kind of Bolaño-esque kaleidoscope of mad poets colliding in space and time. And speaking of Bolaño, midway through his book Sinclair suddenly recalls that he had decided to put off his departure to America and visit the dead Chilean's last abode in Blanes, near Barcelona, a place that's "discounted, mythologized, less than itself." The banality of Blanes, with its hideous Paseo Marítimo and its "retail-park outskirts," is like the left-behind towns in the Americas graced by the memory of Beat eminence. But what do we expect from such places anyway? Writers leave few traces behind them. To wander through the places they haunted is merely to pursue their ghosts. The determination to find an individual's traces is, however, now a common motivation behind the travel narrative since it lends to any given voyage a surplus dimension, that of biography. We could call it the "in the footsteps" school, and it's the chosen method of Tim Butcher, The Daily Telegraph's former Africa bureau chief, in THE TRIGGER (Grove, $26). Butcher embarks on a walk across a mountainous area of Bosnia in the more or less exact footsteps of Gavrilo Princip, the man who assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo on that fateful day in June 1914, setting in motion the slaughter of World War I. Seven years earlier, in 1907, when he was 13, Princip had walked from his home village of Obljaj, in a remote area known as Herzegovina, to a town called Bugojno and from there traveled by rail to Sarajevo. Butcher decides to do the same. It's an elegant enough way of opening up the history of the Balkans and its conflicts, and of exploring the wider perspective. Butcher was a war correspondent in this region in the 1990s and saw much of the horror of that period firsthand; he is fascinated by the obscure origins of wars. Though he relies a bit too much, for my taste, on the journalist's habit of earnestly setting down interviews (his own voice is more interesting), his prose is kept afloat by carefully acquired knowledge and a reporter's quick eye. The fracture lines that run through the Balkans, between Roman Catholics and Orthodox believers, between Christians and Muslims, between Slavs and Ottomans, are parsed peripatetically as he wanders with backpack across the mountains, the follower not just of the rash and excitable Princip but also of Rebecca West, whose "Black Lamb and Grey Falcon" is perhaps the greatest work on the Balkans the English language is likely to produce. His own book is an honorable follow-up, and contrast, to West's. This is not to say that Butcher doesn't sometimes mishandle small historical details. When "Turkish forces from Asia Minor" conquered the Balkans in the 15th century, he tells us, they were "outriders of the Ottoman Empire that replaced Byzantium, renaming as Istanbul the old Byzantine capital of Constantinople." In fact, the Turks had had a capital at Edirne in Europe since the 14th century, and they never renamed Istanbul. It was officially called Constantinople throughout the Ottoman period and was finally renamed Istanbul after the empire's dissolution and the establishment of the Republic of Turkey - in order, precisely, to emphasize a clean break with the Ottoman past. Does this matter? The Ottomans valued Roman imperial legitimacy and went to some lengths to obtain it. It was one of the reasons they ruled so successfully in the Balkans, and Butcher does a nice job of showing how later, in the 19th century, it was the conquering AustroHungarians who were the aliens in the Balkans when they finally displaced the Ottomans. Their overblown official buildings, their railway stations and theaters seemed and still seem out of place in a way the graceful, Byzantine-inspired Ottoman mosques do not. But more to Butcher's point are the places in Bosnia where recent mystical nationalism and violence converge - places like Srebrenica, which he visits in a fine chapter called "A Mystical Journey." (It was Princip, under police interrogation in 1914, who used the word to describe his own journey through the region.) Butcher joins the annual Mars Mira, or peace march, which takes him through landscapes that have - like the march itself - an "undertow of horror." And yet, "there were pastures where the grass had been scythed and gathered up into ricks as tall as houses. There were mountain streams where my fishing radar twitched, glistening reaches of clear water rich in the promise of wild trout. ... In one section of forest we passed a stecak, one of the medieval boxlike Bosnian tombstones that date from the era when the various eastern and western forms of Christianity struggled for supremacy among the south Slavs. ... The centuries had knocked it askew, but the surface of the gray rock bore circular repetitive carvings." Where the land is itself a kind of historical geology, the writer's eye merely has to notice such details to convey the irrational origins of war. The "in the footsteps" genre, however, can also take a lighter form, as Diccon Bewes shows in his SLOW TRAIN TO SWITZERLAND (Nicholas Brealey, cloth, $29.95; paper, $19.95), a retreading of a pioneering 1863 trip by a group called the Junior United Alpine Club - seven English men and women whisked through the snowy peaks by Thomas Cook's first organized tour of Helvetia. Bewes claims that this adventure marked the beginning of the modern tourism industry, and who are we to disagree? It's a more amusing book than I had expected, not least because the genteel comedy of manners of the English tourists of 1863 is an offshoot of the fact that Switzerland to the Victorians was as threateningly exotic as Irian Jaya is to us today. Those Continental skating practices! Hiking over the Mer de Glace with a black parasol! It appeared that the mid-19th-century Swiss had heated baths, and today, as Bewes reports, even rustic Unterseen has acquired a "Table Dance Night Club." Progress is inexorable. But not all journeys are. Some are perpetual digressions, as is the case with the travels of Philip Hoare in his fascinating travelogue, THE SEA INSIDE (Melville House, $27.99). Hoare has adopted the Sebald approach, complete with text-embedded photographs and artwork, as he wanders around and across a variety of seas from England to New Zealand in search of their tales, lore, history, ecology, biological complexity and elusive beauty. Each chapter is named for a sea, but not an actual one. There is a "wandering sea," a "silent sea," a "suburban sea" and finally a "sea in me." The mystical tone is deliberate, enabling Hoare to replace a linear narrative with a circuitous one. Here, it goes without saying, the digression is everything, and the tale is in the roundabout telling. The journey is in the digression. Occasionally, one feels lost in this maze - but does it matter? One of the better intellectual side trips is on ravens, and during its many pages I began to lay down my readerly objections as to why I was reading about ravens and quietly consented to learn all about the Corvus corax. It's the same with whales, dolphins, the naturalist T.H. White, the iconoclast theologian Thomas Merton (killed by an electric fan at a conference center not far from my own adopted city of Bangkok), the coasts of Sri Lanka and, of all things, thylacines - extinct Australian marsupials with the heads of dogs. This happy trade-off doesn't work throughout, though I'm inclined to admire the ambition and the generosity of spirit that's in play. Hoare continually reaches for the transcendent and often finds it. The digression-as-tale method, though, can sometimes feel curiously arch and self-conscious because it assumes the writer is assembling a gigantic thesaurus of exotica and wonders whose splendors will be obviously enthralling. Hoare is a good writer, so he can pull this off. But I sometimes wished he had tried his hand at some good old-fashioned linearity. That said, and on a side note, I also relished his command of and frequent resort to Anglo-Saxon (a language that should be quoted more often!). I, for one, did not know that our ancestors had a special and very beautiful word for the half-lit hour before dawn, as revealed by the anonymous writer of the poem "The Wanderer" (the ultimate traveler's poem): uhta. That gave me enough pleasure for a whole week. LAWRENCE OSBORNE'S most recent books are "The Wet and the Dry: A Drinker's Journey" and two novels, "The Ballad of a Small Player" and "The Forgiven."

Copyright (c) The New York Times Company [June 1, 2014]
Review by Booklist Review

*Starred Review* There's nothing cheaper, ungenerous about Waters, the Pope of Trash (or Filth, or both). His new book is actually three (clap!), three (clap!), three books in one! All are based on the pitch he sold his publisher about hitchhiking from his home in Baltimore to his home in San Francisco. Oh, he knew it was insane I'm sixty-six years old, for chrissake and so wrote it up in advance, just in case, once imagining The Best That Could Happen, then again envisioning The Worst That Could Happen. Because he is, after all, John Pink Flamingos Waters, both fictional trips are rather similar in terms of weirdness and even scabrousness, at least in the eyes of those who aren't J PF W. Fortunately, except for a handful of incidents (well, maybe more) that body-slam the boundaries of scatological toleration, both are pretty constantly hilarious and, when he somehow encounters such figures from his past as Edith Massey (the Egg Lady in PF) and 1980s gay porn star Johnny Davenport (whom Waters never knew, casually or biblically alas!), sentimental. The real trip, hardly as ludicrous as the preceding fictions, takes longer, involves more drivers, and has Waters growing in admiration for the regular but far from colorless! people who pick him up, especially the married guys who praise their wives to the skies. Travel uh, hitchhiking book of the year?--Olson, Ray Copyright 2014 Booklist

From Booklist, Copyright (c) American Library Association. Used with permission.
Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

The illustrious director of Hairspray, Cry Baby, and Pink Flamingoes embarked on a cross-country hitchhiking journey in 2012. This, Waters's seventh book, is a travelogue of his experiences bumming rides all the way from his home in Baltimore to his apartment in San Francisco. Waters idiosyncratically cuts to the core of American diversity, finding the good (and bad) in any situation with biting wit. The unlikely friendship Waters forms with a young Republican politician is an unexpected twist, and a timely tale of bromance in the midst of hardship. If a dyed-in-the-wool conservative and the pope of Trash can have an adventure in Reno together, aren't all things still possible in this world? But for Waters aficionados, the best parts of this enchanting narrative aren't the ones that actually happened. Fans will delight in the two novellas, with Waters at his campiest and most ludicrous, that precede the nonfiction third act. Presenting the best- and worst-case scenarios for modern hitchhiking as only Waters can, the narratives range from encounters with a pleasant group of marijuana smugglers and Edith Massey, to a harrowing imprisonment in Kansas and traumatic fan meeting. Waters devotees take note: this is required reading. Agent: Bill Clegg, William Morris Endeavor. (June) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.

(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved
Review by Library Journal Review

The cult filmmaker embarks on a madcap, solo cross-country hitchhiking trip, carrying a backup cardboard sign that reassuringly states, "I'M NOT A PSYCHO." En route to San Francisco, he meets a diverse cast of characters including a pot dealer who's willing to finance his next project, a cop who mistakes him for Steve Buscemi, and a lusty demolition car driver. Waters's brief encounters are colorful and campy, and his road reports-lascivious fantasies and all-are highly entertaining. (LJ 5/15/14) (c) Copyright 2014. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.
Review by Kirkus Book Review

Face it: Wouldn't you rather strike out on the road with John Waters than Jack Kerouac?If the answer is yes, then this book is for you, even if Waters (Role Models, 2011, etc.), the ever-flamboyant auteur-(Pink Flamingos, Hairspray et al) turned-writer, takes his sweet time getting going. For more than half of this account of his 2012 cross-country journey hitchhiking from Baltimore to San Francisco, the author imagines what lies in store, with dueling full-length novellas that spin best and worst case scenarios. Best: a never-ending thrill ride full of rich potheads, happy freaks and horny hunks, all of whom know and love his work. Worst: The trip west is seething with small-town homophobes, stage moms, crazed environmentalists and serial killers. The real story, once it arrives, is a welcome relief, as the truth is more hilarious and interesting than Waters' nuttiest fantasies. He dealt with troubles he didn't expect, like tedium or the art of making a marketable cardboard sign. (He eventually ditched his original sign, "I'm Not Psycho," wisely realizing that "hitchhiking is not the time to be a comedian.") Waters hitched rides with a preacher's wife, a hay farmer and an indie band, and he struck up a budding bromance with a straight, young Maryland Republican city councilman. The author was grateful that, even in the hinterlands, C-list celebrity status could be a real asset and was even more touched by the kindness of people who didn't know him at all. Somewho apparently didn't notice his BlackBerry, tracking device or designer sports jacketeven offered money, which he gently refused ("Yeah sure, I see her thinking, here's a homeless person off his meds").The book idles way too long, but once it takes off, it's a sweet and funny ride. Copyright Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

GOOD RIDE NUMBER ONE HARRIS It's a beautiful Baltimore spring day--the perfect 68o morning. I decide to leave twenty-four hours earlier than everyone in my office thinks I will, so I can avoid all their nervous goodbyes. Susan, my longtime assistant who runs my filth empire with an iron fist, has always thought this adventure a ludicrous idea but knows I am just as stubborn as she can be, so she long ago gave up on talking me out of it. Trish, my other full-time assistant, who will actually be transcribing this book (I write by hand on legal pads before she puts it on the computer), is a little friendlier to the idea since she was briefly a teenage runaway. Jill, my art helper, seems all for the idea. My bookkeeper, Doralee, has given up being surprised by anything that goes on in our office but knows I will continue to get a receipt for every single penny I spend while hitching, since no one could argue this is not a business trip. Margarett, my housekeeper, laughed the hardest I've ever heard her (practically in my face) when I confessed my cross-country plans. Just before I walk out the front door to leave, I look out back and see the fox that lives on my property happily roaming my wooded grounds and take this as a good-luck sign. I turn on the burglar alarm and leave feeling ... well, adventurous. I walk up my small residential street and am relieved that none of my neighbors see me carrying a hitchhiking sign or question why I am on foot carrying an obvious travel bag. I get to the corner of Charles Street and stick out my thumb and hold up my I-70 WEST cardboard sign that Jill designed for me. "Make the letters not too arty and certainly not STOP ME BEFORE I KILL AGAIN scary," I had mentioned, and she has followed instructions well. I don't feel ridiculous, I feel kind of brave. I can't believe it. The very first car that goes by stops, and I run to hop in. An art-school type dressed in brown jeans and an old Charles Theater T-shirt is behind the wheel of a car so nondescript that I have to ask him what kind it is. "A very used 1999 VW Passat sedan," he answers in the kindest voice imaginable. I feel safe immediately. He doesn't even bat an eye that I'm hitchhiking, even though he recognizes me. "Wow, John Waters. I'm a fan," he announces, low-key. He so respects my privacy he doesn't even ask where I'm headed but offers, "I'm going as far as West Virginia if that's a help." "It sure is," I say, relieved I can avoid the tricky cloverleaf where I-70 West meets the Baltimore Beltway and there's nowhere to stand to bum a ride. "Did you see Gaspar Noé's Enter the Void? " he asks with the excitement of a real film fanatic. "Of course--the best movie about taking drugs ever! " I answer, so happy he wants to discuss other extreme pictures and not my own. "I like the director's-cut version best," my driver continues, "it's more endless, just like an LSD trip." "I know Gaspar," I offer, "and you'd be surprised after seeing his films, but he's really a sweet guy." "I love fucked-up movies," my fellow film buff enthuses as he turns up the radio, and what's playing? "Hitch Hike" by Marvin Gaye. Unbelievable! Is it me, or do I smell ganja? I'm a little out of practice as a pothead. I used to smoke grass every day of my life around 1964 to 1972, but now only rarely because it just makes me worry about mundane things. But sometimes, in the summer in Provincetown on a Friday night when I have nothing to do the next day, I'll smoke a little weed and get "launched," as my young friend and part-time pot smoker Frankie calls it when I start ranting and laughing while stoned. And of course I'm a good host--I have a small stash of pot in all my places of residence in case guests might want to smoke. Legal amounts. I hope. "I'm Harris," he finally introduces himself, and I silently think, that's Divine's real first name, but keep it film-zealot friendly rather than Dreamland focused. Harris is a good-looking guy who seems laid-back, something I have never felt like in my entire life. I'm thrilled my first ride is so seemingly uncomplicated. "Are you a student at Maryland Institute?" I ask, thinking college would be the perfect reason for him to be in Baltimore. "No, I'm in business for myself," he says with a sideways glance that invites all sorts of speculation as we merge onto the Baltimore Beltway headed in the right direction. "Have you seen Armando Bó's films?" I ask, feeling as if continuing our movie-hound conversation is definitely part of my "payment" as a rider. "I love his movies," Harris yells with enthusiasm as we head west on I-70, already on the first leg of my journey to San Francisco. "Armando's been dead for many years now but he deserves to be honored more," I shout over the music, and my highway host agrees. "That Isabel Sarli was so hot! Those tits were real, you know!" he hollers in mammary mania about the director's onetime mistress and the star of all his films. " And she's still alive!" I shout. "Seventy-five years old! I talked to her on the phone just recently," I brag, and I can tell he's impressed. "You're kidding?" Harris marvels in wide-eyed amazement. "I really did," I answer, holding up my hand to silently swear to God. "A South American trash-film enthusiast hooked us up, and although her English was a little rusty--but way better than my Spanish--I got to gush how much her films, like Fury , Fever, and Fuego , meant to both Divine and me." "How come you aren't making a movie?" Harris suddenly asks with shy concern. I explain I had a development deal to make Fruitcake , a "terribly wonderful Christmas children's adventure," wrote the script, was about to make it, and then the recession happened, the independent film business as I knew it fell apart, and now all the distributors and film financiers want the budgets to be under $2 million, which I can't do anymore. "Well, I'll back it," he says nonchalantly. "What do you mean?" I sputter, not believing my ears. "You can keep a secret, right?" he whispers conspiratorially. "Sure," I mumble, and I can, especially if it's a good one. "I'm a pot dealer ... don't worry, there's none in the car, it's all on my West Virginia farm, but I've got plenty of cash. How much do you need?" "Five million, give or take," I confide with a chuckle, sure Harris is pulling my leg. "No problem," he says, beaming as if I had just asked him for spare change in Berkeley in the sixties. "But surely you're not serious?" I ask, thinking, how could this be possible? I've been trying to raise this budget unsuccessfully for five years. "It's no big deal," he says as we cross into West Virginia and I feel the thrill of illegal interstate financing. "Maybe we could form a limited partnership like I used to do in the old days," I offer. "Nah," he responds good-naturedly, "I'll just give you the cash and you pay me back if it ever breaks even." Cash?! I think in alarm. Five million dollars in cash?! "Good God, how will I ever explain this to the IRS?!" I ask Harris in bewildered excitement. "The Feds don't ask where you got it, do they?" he replies levelheadedly. "Just pay me back and I'll get the money laundered by a chain of nail salons I'm a silent partner in." "Okay," I say in shock, not wanting to blow the deal if he was possibly serious. I'm so stunned by my new "business partner" that I don't even notice we've exited the interstate and are now driving on a country road. "We're near," Harris explains as he goes around the block a few times and zigzags back and forth on even smaller rural routes. I guess he's making sure we're not being followed, but I keep my newly green-lit mouth shut. Finally, we turn off on a beautiful dirt lane with a natural canopy of trees overhead and then veer off on an unmarked long driveway nestled in the hills of northern West Virginia and go about another half mile. Ahead of us is a lovingly restored but not overly yuppified 1850s farmhouse overlooking a pond with a waterfall gently cascading into it. Expansive trees and flowering plants surround the entire idyllic setting. His incredibly striking wife, barefoot already in May and dressed in a pair of fire-engine-red jeans and a long-sleeved black T-shirt, is watering the potted flowers on the outdoor patio. "This is Laura," Harris introduces us, "and of course you know John Waters and his films." She smiles a warm welcome and I can't help but notice she smells like pot, too. "I'm going to give him five million dollars to make his new film," he casually mentions, and she doesn't look particularly surprised. "Oh, that's sweet," Laura says, hardly looking up from the pot of black tulips (my favorite kind) she's just placed artfully on an outdoor table. "We've been looking to invest in films for such a long time," she offers happily. I grin but remain silent in stupefaction. "I'll make us some lunch," offers Harris, before trotting off to the main farmhouse to prepare as Laura follows, eager to help. I just sit there in amazement at my good fortune. This is my first ride and already I'm going to be back in the movie business. Harris and Laura soon return and we feast on delicious chicken salad made from free-range birds that Laura confides she strangled with her own hands just this morning. After a dessert of freshly picked blueberries, Harris carefully folds his cloth napkin ("From Martick's," he proudly announces, a recently closed restaurant much loved by downtown-Baltimore bohemians) and says, "Let's take a walk, John." I eagerly follow him to a remote point of his property, and Harris reveals that we are now going "to dig up the cash." I keep my mouth shut. "Oh, honey," he yells to Laura, "call up that FedEx place and make sure our buddy gets his lazy ass to work. Tell him we got a special shipment coming up." Harris turns to me and asks gently, "Do you have a FedEx number? If not, we have a dummy one we can use." "We're going to FedEx the money?" I ask in awe, amazed that Harris plans on giving me the money now ! "Sure," he replies, "you don't want to carry all that cash with you on your hitchhiking trip, do you?" "Well, no," I stammer, giving him the digits, which I know from memory. "Great," he says, jotting down the account information, "we'll FedEx it directly to your address." On cue, Laura walks like a gazelle down from the house, carrying a stack of flat FedEx boxes ready to be assembled. She has a lovely, serene smile on her lips. Maybe this is the first of their millions they're giving away. You can tell philanthropy brings her a new kind of delight. Harris grabs a shovel from behind the naturally distressed original barn door and leads me to an even more distant part of his farmland that appears to be overgrown with vines. "Here," he announces as he pulls up several clods of phony earth covered in prop foliage and begins digging. Laura slips on a pair of rubber gloves. Harris hasn't even worked up a sweat before I hear the shovel clink on metal. "Bingo," purrs Laura as she gives me a friendly wink. "Pay dirt," jokes Harris as he begins to hoist up, with his thin but muscled arms, a small industrial safe with a combination lock. Laura hands me the first of the standard large FedEx boxes and gets out a pistol-grip tape dispenser. She quickly notices from my panicked expression that I have no idea how to assemble these boxes and gently takes the packaging back. "That's okay," she whispers gently, "you deserve to be directing, not doing manual labor." Laura snaps the carton together in one swift motion and seals it with tape like Quick Draw McGraw and hands me back the box with the skill of a next-day-delivery artisan. Harris drops the safe to the ground and Laura swiftly dials the combination and I avert my eyes, hoping to not look greedy or, worse yet, sneaky. Harris moves to another spot of earth about thirty feet away, rips up more fake turf, and starts digging again. I hear him whistling "There's No Business Like Show Business" with surprising skill. "Here you go," Laura says softly to me as she opens the safe door and hands me the first bundle of ten thousand $100 bills, which she assures me totals $1 million. It seems heavy to me but she scoffs mildly and says, "It only weighs about twenty-five pounds. I've had to carry $3 million strapped inside baggy winter clothes at customs, and believe me, that's a backbreaker, but I never complain. Helping keep Americans high is never easy or without toil." "Here's more cash!" Harris cheerfully announces as he manually raises a duplicate safe from another "grave" in the ground and spins the combination lock like a safecracker supreme. "This ought to pay for a lot of music rights," he chuckles happily to me, holding up the next million dollars in bills. "Won't Johnny Knoxville like getting paid in cash?" Laura asks with a kindness so rare in show business today. "He sure will," I agree, impressed that she is so well-read on my career that she knows whom I want to star in my next film. How we'll handle Johnny's agent in an all-cash deal is something I'll figure out later. It takes about an hour more, but finally Harris and Laura have dug up three other little safes and unloaded all the do-re-mi into nine large FedEx boxes. I gather this is not putting much of a dent in their nontraditional banking practices. "We trust you," says Harris warmly as he seals the last box. "Yes, we do," adds Laura, with a criminal-capitalist inner peace I'll never forget. "This is our small way of thanking you for all your films," she adds, "and we know Fruitcake will be a hit." "But don't change a thing in the script if you don't want to," Harris pipes in jovially. "We don't care if the film makes us our money back or not." "Come on," announces Laura with excitement, "it's time to get you up to the FedEx place. You've got a hitchhiking trip to go on." "And may all your rides be as prosperous as this first one," adds Harris with financial affection and artistic respect. I embrace my new non-note-giving movie producers, and Harris and I load all the boxes into the trunk of his vehicle. We get in and wave goodbye to Laura, who is already back to potting her perennials like a serenely demented garden-club enthusiast. Just as we pull off, a black butterfly lands on her shoulder in a Douglas Sirk way, and she returns the farewell gesture with a smile that would put Julia Roberts out of business. "Did you see Zoo ?" Harris suddenly asks once we are on the road, eager to get back to cult-film talk. "Sure," I answer with pride, "that arty true-crime doc about the man who dies after getting fucked by a horse in Seattle. I toured presenting that film--even showed it at the Sydney Opera House." "That's the one," Harris agrees. "I felt for those guys who were involved," he reasons; "it was a sad story but told in a dignified way. Did you believe that animal-rescue worker who when interviewed on film after the zoo guys had left the ranch said she 'saw a small pony come up and give a bigger horse a blow job'? That was bullshit," Harris answers without missing a beat, knowing exactly the scene I was talking about. "I like animals," he continues, "but if that horse had a hard-on and did mount the guy, you can't call the sex act 'nonconsensual,' can you? If an animal gets it up, isn't he willing?" Before we can finish this debate we pull up to the FedEx drop-off store, amazingly subtitled on the sign out front GOING POSTAL. Harris informs me that this is the only "corrupt" FedEx office in the country and he is their only customer. That he does so much business here keeps it open and off the map of corporate concern. The clerk inside looks as if he just escaped from a Whole Foods employee jail. His hair is shaved into the FedEx logo, he wears a large nose ring, and "UPS" is tattooed onto his forehead. His onetime DHL delivery uniform has been sewn together with a regular USPS outfit to create the postmodern attire of a mentally unstable but proud letter carrier. His name patch reads RETURN TO SENDER. He and Harris are obviously buddies and greet each other with the hipster fist bump. No questions are asked as I fill out all the second-day-delivery forms, hoping to not seem too eager on the other end. "Done deal," announces Harris as he pulls out a giant doobie and hands it to Return to Sender. I guess it's some kind of tip. "Thank you, Harris," I say sincerely outside as we get back into his totally unremarkable car. "Don't thank me," he modestly responds as he pulls out into traffic, always careful to obey the posted speed limit, "thank the pot smokers all over the Delmarva area. They're the real ones backing your new movie." With that, he pulls over to an entrance ramp to I-70W and bids me adios. "Here's my contact info," he says, handing me a business card printed on the old kind of "flash paper" that bookies and numbers-racket hoods used to use. I read the PO box number in Triadelphia, West Virginia, and Harris tells me to "read it again and don't forget it." I do. Suddenly with a flash of light the business card ignites, turns to ash, and disappears. "Happy trails," Harris says as I open the door to get out (suddenly a working film director again) and stick out my thumb. Harris accelerates and, looking at me in his rearview mirror, waves one last time just as he sees me getting immediately picked up by my next ride. And it's only 2:30 p.m. Copyright © 2014 by John Waters Excerpted from Carsick: John Waters Hitchhikes Across America by John Waters All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.