Chapter 1: What's Going On CHAPTER 1 WHAT'S GOING ON My childhood room was a melting pot of dolls, games, and trinkets all perfectly matched to my personality, with the exception of the walls, painted pink by my dad. Everything bursting with color and wonder. I collected Cabbage Patch Kids, some white, and of course every one of the Black dolls I could find, in every hue. My Little Pony dolls, random Barbies I rarely thought to play with, stuffed animals oversized and miniature perched atop a pink toy box like a gigantic strawberry ready to be picked. The stars of the show, regal in their own right, were a collection of African dolls standing high atop a shelving unit. Everything else paled in their presence. Deep hues of melanin draped in kente cloth. I wanted to look like them--to become them. Even though my room wasn't what some would have considered to be fit for a princess, it was just right for me. And for every "girlie" element in the room, I had what back then would be considered tomboyish: Super Mario Brothers in the Nintendo, Sonic on the Sega Genesis, and Pac-Man for when I needed a break from the dolls. Soft and hard. Truth be told, my room was a perfect fit for a little New Yorker. A little New Yorker with her fist clenched and raised in the air, pumping it back and forth, and forth and back, playacting like the real people I looked up to every day. The living embodiment of the kente-clad dolls on the shelves in the room. "Power to the people! Power to the people! Power to the people," I'd yell with thunder in my voice just before hopping down and cutting my path across the thick blue-carpeted floors. I knew from an early age that I had no desire to be a princess exactly--maybe a warrior princess like Nefertiti or the other African warriors and queens who were closer to my imagination. But at the time those were just dolls. I had demands, as I repeated the phrase over and over and over again, inspired by the rallies I'd joined with my parents, where we were surrounded by the force of powerful people who seemed big and strong and equipped with voices to be heard. My white socks with ruffled trim were slippery enough on the bottom for me to roam around the apartment as if I were wearing roller skates. And I glided around every corner to every door to every room, bouncing, wiggling, and shaking, doing everything in my power to solicit a reaction from everyone else in the apartment with me. "Close my door, Tamika." Sharon, my sister fifteen years my senior, has always been Black girl magic in the flesh. She now has four degrees. She had a job, which meant she had her own money and a dream social life. Her friends were the shit, and she had no time for mine. "I'm trying to get ready for work," she said, sucking her teeth to make sure I knew she was done. Sharon's friends had the best hairstyles. From buns to the asymmetrical cuts, doobies, and fans. Not only did they look good; they lived well. At night, they painted New York with their presence at the hottest lounges and clubs to just kick it. And when they were not in New York, they spread their magic around the world, traveling abroad, something that was unheard of at the time for people their age. Sharon was a Harlem socialite coming up in a time when Harlem was the place to be, oozing with iconic music, fashion, and reverence for Blackness. Sharon got where she was by not taking easy paths out or accepting disrespect, no matter where it came from. And she wasn't any easier on me than she'd be on anyone else who didn't give her the respect she deserved. She never caused any problems, but she was tough and made sure you knew it. And I made sure she knew to carve out space for my little voice as well. "Power to the people!" I screamed again, pumping my fist back and forth in her face. I left out grinning, knowing I had gotten under her skin. That day, I made sure I was both seen and heard in our apartment. As I was the smallest and youngest, there were times I felt invisible growing up. More than anything, I wanted to make my presence known. Years later as an adult, I'd research what characteristics and traits the family's youngest typically have: rebellion, creativity, outgoingness, and openness. They were all true. And in the early years of my life, rebellion was what I channeled most. "Power to the people," I began to repeat once more until my mom's voice stopped me dead in my tracks. Booming and resonant. In our house and certainly with her friends, Mom's voice was the closest thing to God's. She spoke words laced with conviction that left you with no choice other than to stop and listen. "Tamika, get in here," she said. I eased Sharon's door closed, and made my way to the kitchen, tiptoeing as I drew closer to where I knew Mom would be standing. Peering only my head around the narrow half wall separating the kitchen from the living room, I waited in suspense. "You know I can see you, right?" I swear that woman must have had eyes behind her head. I'm reminded of that time I turned around and shot double birds at a boy named Malcolm Simmons in church one Sunday--she knew. Malcolm was the most awkward, most aggravating boy I had ever met in my entire life. He had big eyes and a little face that I never quite understood, with unkempt hair and an always open hand to ask for whatever snacks my mom had given me for church that morning. There were no assigned seats at church, but Malcolm's mom was determined to sit in the same place every Sunday, putting her son right behind us. "Tamika, it's ok to share," my mom would say. "Not with him," I said under my breath. I knew better than to mention it out loud. The first Sunday I met Malcolm and his family I was thrown by his voice. Coming from that little head with those big eyes, his annoying tone was odd to say the least. That Sunday I rolled my eyes and paid him dust. The next week, Malcolm returned with a vengeance. Anytime our pastor went into his rendition of "I'd Rather Have Jesus," it brought all the women in the church to their feet. My mom swayed and sang next to me, in unison with the pastor and other members of the congregation. It was a beautiful moment of unity and clarity. And like clockwork, Malcolm's voice buzzed in my left ear, hands out again, asking for what he already knew he wasn't going to get. I broke form and jolted my head around like an owl for the meanest death stare a twelve-year-old Tamika could muster. "Turn around, Tamika." Even though she had eyes in the back of her head, for me at least, she didn't notice when raggedy-ass Malcolm yanked my ponytails as revenge a few minutes later. I was pissed off, but there was only so much I could do about it without getting in trouble. I knew I should contain myself, but the rage burning up through me and now rushing out like smoke pouring forth from a wildfire was too much. I turned around and shot two birds like daggers, one from each hand. I kept them up, making sure my eyes connected with his. I wanted him to know it was time to leave me alone for good. The other moms and families in the church who sat behind us started to murmur, taking notice of my message, but that was of no personal concern to me. Before I knew it, I felt a tingling sensation at the top of my knee as Mom popped me to get my attention. "Tamika, have you lost your damn mind in this church???" Maybe I had. Two Sundays later, while at service, I noticed a group of boys crowded around Malcolm in the basement of the sanctuary. At first, it wasn't too alarming because that's where they spent most Sundays. All the boys gathered together to talk smack about girls between debates over which cartoons they liked most, and who had the toughest Transformer. Prior to that day, there were times I heard them pick on Malcolm here and there, but I never thought much about it between all the other commotion they'd get into every weekend. But this Sunday was different. I heard one of the boys, Lonnie, tell the others, "Watch this," as he pushed Malcolm to the floor and raised his fist to strike him. It shocked me that everyone was ready to stand by and watch, and laugh, as one little boy hurt another. I stepped in. "Stop it, Lonnie!" I said, as I grabbed his arm. "Leave him alone." Malcolm was curled up on the floor, scrambling to cover his head with his hands as he began to cry. Lonnie turned towards me, snatching his arm away from my hands. "And if I don't, what are you going to do about it, Tamika?" "If you don't leave him alone, I'll knock your ass out." The wave of "ooooooooh" from all the other kids must have been enough for Lonnie to stand down. He stepped over Malcolm and walked back towards the stairs mumbling something under his breath. The other kids watching dispersed and followed Lonnie while I stayed to help Malcolm up. Malcolm didn't say anything, nor did I. There was no need for words. That time had passed, but from that day onward, we shared a mutual understanding. Malcolm stopped whispering in my ear to ask for snacks. And he didn't need to, because I always made sure I packed two bags of Teddy Grahams. One for him and one for me. Malcolm and I never became the best of friends, but he knew that I was not going to let anything happen to him and I knew to expect the same in return. "I heard what you did for Malcolm today," my mom told me that evening. "That's what I'm talking about. Be kind. You never know what others are going through. His mom told me that Malcolm's dad passed recently, just before they joined our church. They moved from Queens to get a fresh start." Those words stuck with me ever since. At the time I had no idea what it was like to lose someone so close. But I was glad I stood up for Malcolm. It felt good. It felt right. Mom was always watching, always planting seeds of self-awareness within me. Now, standing outside of the kitchen in our apartment, after yelling "Power to the people" all over the house, I was caught, just like I was that day in church. "Girl, get in here." I let out a deep belly laugh as I entered, removing Mom's hands from her hips and placing them around me. When I squeezed, she squeezed back. That was our way of saying "I love you" without anyone else knowing. And my way of bringing down the temperature on whatever was about to come next. "Tamika Danielle Mallory," she said. She only called me by my full name when I was in trouble. But it was a little different this time. The look on her face was one of curiosity, not anger. "Yes, Tamika! Power to the people is right! But why are you always running through this house!?" Dad's record player went on in the background, the soundtrack of my young life that still plays within me. Although I didn't always know the name of the artist or song he'd put on, I recognized this melody--a flute over top of a smooth voice, strong and soulful and righteous. Gil Scott-Heron's "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" was poetry in motion and in frequent rotation in our apartment. Still holding me in her arms, Mom peered out at my dad, who was sitting on the couch in the living room, shaking her head. Waiting for him to back her up, she came up short. Mom always looked for Dad to validate her when she chastised us, and rarely got what she wanted, until I got older, and bolder, with my transgressions. Instead, he laughed, looked at my mom, and replied, "Huh?" "Huh" came out less as a word than as a sound. Ejected as if he were unaware of what was happening (my dad was always fully aware), playing pretend as a way to avoid conflict. This kind of "Huh" was code for "keep me out of it." Mom was outnumbered. Everyone in that apartment knew I could do no wrong in my dad's eyes. As she accepted her defeat, Mom's mouth curled up into a smile. "Go sit down somewhere and read a book." If I'd had a dollar for every time she told me to go read a book, I would have been rich. She and my father were working to create a powerful family dynamic, but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you it felt more like a prison to me at times. A place no one wanted to escape more than I did. It wasn't even about wanting to leave them; I just wanted things to be different. "Ma," I said in response, hoping for a different outcome this time. Denied. She gave me the look that every Black mother mastered that confirms you're fighting a losing battle. "Well then, Mika"--my family liked to call me Mika most times unless I was in trouble--"if you think you're so smart, how come you never remember to put those loose teeth under your pillow at night?" I remember outlining the new space where the tooth was now missing with my tongue. It seemed like I never had a full mouth of teeth until I was at least twelve years old. Mom was always one step ahead of everyone else. Rolling my eyes and releasing myself from her grasp, I ran back to my room as fast as I could to check under my pillow for the tooth fairy's gift I must have known wouldn't be there. "Try again tonight, Mika," Mom called from across the apartment. "Try again." A small but significant gesture that typified young life for me. Mom and Dad wanted a fighter who held faith in possibility, and they got one. I felt like I could do anything. I was strong, courageous, and maybe even a bit delusional. Life had no limitations. I had no limitations. Still too young to understand the meaning of the phrase "Power to the people," but old enough to recognize there was power in those words when I took them on. That there was inspiration in ideas spoken forcefully and with passion. In my home, doing so was a way of life, woven into my existence. The payoff for bravery was drilled into my head in Manhattanville. The rewards afforded to those willing to make a ruckus when the cause was right and just. It's the place where I became a fighter. Years later I woke up in Los Angeles, that childhood dream put me back into the world with a smile on my face. I don't often remember dreams, but today I did. It's 3:00 a.m., and I'm wide-awake while the rest of the world slumbers. Standing between the massive ivory silk drapes, with my toes touching the baseboards of the wall and my forehead pressed into the floor-to-ceiling window, I'm absorbing the full sweep of downtown Los Angeles before me. So much of my world each day is focused on death, and twinkling lights remind me there is life in the city. The buzzing phone on the nightstand is proof. It never stops. Every day, around the clock, my phone is filled with cries for help. By-products of the unjust world we live in. Families in need of money after their lives have been turned upside down after the death of a loved one, videos of police brutality, and advocates enraged and ready to take action. There is a war going on, and from the moment I answer a first ring each day I am on the battlefield. This morning, I need to catch my breath before the war starts again, and I talk with God. I always feel that besides me, he's the only one keeping office hours at this time of the morning. Inhale, exhale. Pray. And then it happens. It's time to pick up the phone. Melanie Campbell, president and CEO of the National Coalition of Black Civic Participation, convener of the Black Women's Roundtable and a friend and mentor, was on the other end. "Tamika." She called my name, but the silence behind her was evident. She told me that a very close friend of ours had just lost her son. My heart plummeted. LaTosha Brown and I had spent countless hours bonding over raising our Black sons in America. Many times, we prayed over our sons together. As young mothers, we grew up with our sons. And I was about to become a grandmother, an experience she'd already had. To learn of LaTosha's son's death left an empty space in the center of my soul. Frantically pacing the floor, I considered leaving Los Angeles to be with her right at that moment. We both made a commitment to be in LA, for an important court hearing, but as she picked up the pieces of her broken heart, I knew the Black Voters Matter co-founder would want me to handle the business. For over an hour I stood in front of that window, fighting back tears, thinking about whether or not I could leave, but I knew that was impossible. I knew I couldn't afford to break today, before my plans to go to court to support Megan Thee Stallion at the Tory Lanez trial. But I felt like I was on the verge of losing my mind. As I mustered up the courage to dial my friend directly, my soul was snatched when she actually picked up. "Hello?" "Hi, it's Tamika." LaTosha repeated my name back to me out loud. Upon her hearing it was me, the screams let out. "My baby my baby. He's gone. My baby is dead!" There was nothing I could offer her worthy of the moment. Her son was gone and the reality of the limits of our control and power to protect even our own was jarring. All I could do was listen as she attempted to center herself and catch her breath. All I could do was hang up, drop down to my knees, and pray for my son, pray for my friend and my child. Over the years, I've learned to give thanks to God even amidst the gravest moments of life. The older I get, the more often I have these kinds of mornings, when I need to sit with God and seek his wise counsel through the spirit before beginning my day. In his presence, I am allowed to be myself. Communion with God is the only place where I'm not required to problem solve, to have all the answers, or to even ask the right questions. Instead of pouring from an emptied pitcher, in God my soul is filled. Traumatic days are best punctuated with simple words. On this one I whisper to God, "Thank you." Thankful for too many reasons to name. Thankful for health and strength. Thankful to be of service. Thankful for family and friends who I know love me and me them. Thankful for my son and the granddaughter who would soon touch my heart in ways I never knew possible. Thankful just to be alive. Three years ago, I found myself standing before glass in contemplation of a different kind. It was a mirror, surrounded not by curtains but walls white like chalk. Sterile. No fancy comforter on the bed, or fluffy pillows to calm my head. No carpeted floors to soothe my feet. Instead, just hard wood and white tiles that shot frigid cold back up and through my body. The reflection in the mirror wasn't one that reminded me of my power, but instead weakness. Shame. Helplessness, and hopelessness. A Tamika I couldn't recognize at all. An addict on the verge of death. I made the decision to embark upon a mission to discover peace from the inside out. I'm not proud of my addiction, but it is now a part of my truth, one that I will never be ashamed to speak about ever again. My addiction saved my life. The first time Will Smith spoke out after the infamous Oscars slap, he said words that I could not have articulated better myself: "Disappointing people is my central trauma. I hate when I let people down." In retrospect, my addiction was a spiraling journey into the valley on a quest for peaceful rest. From that day forward, I vowed to retrace every inch of my life for a deeper understanding of who I was and what I would become. Malcolm X once said, "The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman." I learned to let those words fully come into my life and extract the power I'd earned in my struggle--a woman's struggle. A Black woman's struggle. I'd felt it all: fear, anger, shame, confusion, uncertainty, isolation, self-doubt, and depression. I suffered a whole host of physical ailments too: insomnia, fatigue, nausea, hypertension, impulsive behavior, and ultimately silence. The disrespect of my day-to-day fight--not just those fought in public--had left me unprotected until I self-silenced for protection. With distance I realized I'd turned to silence because every bit of history I knew had encouraged silence. As a Black woman in America, it is at times hard to remember your voice matters. As I was a Black woman in America who fought for justice, society strived to make me forget. Throughout my life I've watched scores of Black women be unprotected, disrespected, and silenced. I've fought for them and stood beside them because we are one and the same. But on this day, my only mission in Los Angeles was to show up in court for another Black woman unprotected, silenced, and disrespected. Nevertheless, it was clear to me that no one was coming to save her, but I was damn sure going to support her. A court of law has never been a place to take for granted. I've been so many times, for so many cases I've lost count. When inside I listen for details spoken and those left unsaid. I watch faces and read lips. I take note of body language and most importantly, I allow my intuition to guide my thoughts. More times than not I'm right about that which goes unsaid in these proceedings. Had I not become a freedom fighter, maybe a career in law would have been in the stars for me. "All rise. We'll hear from our next witness now," the judge said, peering over the rims of his gold-framed glasses, holding the gavel as if he anticipated potential disorder in the court. There wasn't any. As she approached the stand, statuesque in a purple suit, her makeup flawlessly framed by a perfectly coiffed jet-black bob, the witness walked fearlessly on her black stilettos. But once she was seated at the witness stand, her face and demeanor told a different story. In a previous time, before the incident she was appearing in court for this day, I sat across from her at dinner, admiring the joy in her eyes and her undeniable youth. That fire had been extinguished by the circumstances of her victimization. It broke my heart that not many showed up for her. Not even people who believed her story of assault in full. Too many were worried that if they stood with her and the case did not go in her favor, their brands would suffer the political consequences of alignment. For me, the scenario was eerily familiar. Watching her, I realized there was not much of a difference between us. Although she was a lot younger, the world saw her no differently than it saw me. That day I recognized that even if she walked back out of the courtroom doors, she was not free, nor am I. All I could think about was how the system intended to silence her by holding her to an unreasonable standard in her personal life. There is not one who walks among us who has not held unsure feelings or even regrets about something in their private life. I am no exception. We have all fallen short at one point or another. There are some lows that I've reached, some friends I hurt, and some realities I wish I could change. This woman was no different. A young legend in the making, fighting to save her credibility. And as I sat in the courtroom battling the emotions of my friend from the loss of her son, in silence, I felt chills as I remembered the moments when I had sat in a seat much like the one I saw this woman seated. Although not in the courtroom, I understood the trial of public persecution. And I was torn up to see and know that the partner who hurt her never gave the impression he was even the least bit remorseful for what he did on the awful night when Megan was shot. I was reminded of those moments when I was left to fight alone. To bear the brunt of the disrespect with no help in sight. On that day I resolved to be there for her the way I've always wanted someone to be there for me. While it is important for me to recognize that there have always been people in my corner who loved and supported me, the truth is that Black women in this country often feel isolated when we are faced with misogynistic attacks. And since she is not free, I am not free. I was born fighting for freedom and I will die fighting... until freedom. Excerpted from I Lived to Tell the Story: A Memoir of Love, Legacy, and Resilience by Tamika D. Mallory All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
