PREFACE Afterimage Stare intensely at the white dot in the center of the image for 30 seconds and then flip to page 2. 1 2 3 4 When you stare into the white dot at the center of this portrait 5 6 7 8 and hold your gaze for thirty seconds 9 10 11 your brain begins to play tricks on you. 12 13 14 15 16 17 18. As you allow the surrounding images to fade and blur 19 20 21 22 the cells in your retina get tired. 23 24 25 They've been stimulated for so long that they can no longer send signals to your brain with the same strength. 26 27 So that when you turn the page 28 29 as your mental clock strikes 30 . . . . . . and stare into an empty canvas, your world inverts. Cold blues become warm yellows. Flashy reds fade to gentle greens. The neon scream of an image suited for an electro-punk album cover now smiles back at you with an ever-fading stare that is soft and floating. It hovers in your visual field before fading like a Polaroid in reverse. Your eyes have just lied to you. They sent a signal to your brain of an image that didn't actually exist. And for a few moments, the neon screech of fluorescent art turned into a face that was recognizable. A boy. A baby. Held in his parents' arms, smiling from beneath the brim of his sun hat. But outside of the coloration from your tired retinas and confused brain, the image never existed on the page. Memory Memory is a lot like afterimage. It's fleeting and meandering, transforming as you do. Its colors fade and tickle your brain. And it's elusive. You stretch out your hands to grab it and find yourself grasping the air. If you could take a camera into your brain and record a video of what your memories look like, I think they would resemble the texture and aura of an afterimage. Sharp edges blur: Desks have lost their drawers and faces their wrinkles. Closets become dressers, and dressers turn to windows. Backdrops can be hard to decipher. Front yards become backyards become playgrounds. I used to think that memory's fickleness was its weakness. Why would I put my trust in something that lies, bends, cuts, and is never quite so? But I've come to learn that there is power in memory's flexibility. Memory, just like afterimage, is capable of inverting. Memories that are hot and flashy with the fires of anger can become cool sources of comfort and belonging. In moments when we once felt isolation and difference, we can look back and sense community. Sometimes our memories invert because of things we cannot control. A loved one passes, and a memory of laughter can turn into tears or tears into laughter. Granddad's constant muttering of "whatever," a response that once sparked frustration, now brings a smile wrapped in the comfort that he wasn't willing to get caught up in day-to-day conflict. Other times, when we stare into our memories with focus and curiosity, we unexpectedly ignite this inversion. That Was Me The image that just evaporated from the page was of me in 1997 when I was one year old. It was taken during a time when I would laugh, endlessly, often without reason. When family friends would shout from across the lawn, "How big is Jamo?" my hands would shoot up above my head as they chanted the words that I couldn't yet say: "Jamo is soooooooooo big." The memories that I hold from that time come from other people's words, eyes, and photographs. I am told I was once found sitting in front of the fridge with a spoon in one hand and a tub of butter in the other. In the months that followed, when I crawled out of sight, my parents would go searching for "butter boy." But it was at this time--when I was spooning for butter, tossing my hands in the air, and giggling from the confines of my stroller--that something critical was occurring within my brain. Through my eyes, I saw a world that was multiplying and doubling and hard to comprehend. To make sense of it all, my brain was learning to negotiate with my eyes. The resolution that they came to during those first two years would set my life on a course of difference. And indifference. It would leave me with a set of memories that I never really wished were attached to me. Things I wanted to keep hidden or buried in a dresser whose number of drawers I can't quite remember. Memories that I needed to unwrap carefully, sitting and stirring with them, until the moment when they caught me by surprise and inverted my world. There are few things worse than getting in trouble. One of those things is reading. Dear Time It's Tuesday at ten a.m. Pencils down. It's time to practice lying. But first, you'll have to do some digging. You lift the lid of your desk and rest it on the top of your head. In goes the Spider-Man eraser. It's time to find the book that Mrs. Surface gave to you last week. She was excited that it would be a "challenge book." Searching for it requires a deep desk dive, but you are bound to hear it, because it's a library book--meaning it crinkles. That glossy cellophane that they put over hardcovers--the one that makes every new book look old--always announces its presence. It also collects the fingerprints and splotches of every first grader who has ever checked it out. Now it's your turn to add to the collage. When D.E.A.R. indoctrination began last September, you didn't mind the alone time. At assembly, they had made it sound abrupt and interesting, almost naughty. D rop E verything A nd R ead The same teachers who drew a star on the board next to your name when you helped out by picking up a classmate's dropped pencil--and would erase one if you had slammed the kneeling benches in chapel--were now encouraging you to drop all of your belongings out of a sudden enthusiasm for reading. Back in September, you were allowed to pick any book off the shelf--like Bats! or Nobody Listens to Andrew . These books were friendly. Their meaning could be derived as much from the illustrations as the words on the page, so nobody would notice if you spent a half hour admiring the art, like a guest in a museum. But by late March, you weren't allowed to look at those books during D.E.A.R. And at best, the new ones would have one illustration per chapter. It left you in a tough spot. You hated getting in trouble. But not nearly as much as you hated reading. D.E.A.R. Each time I gazed upon the acronym written on the whiteboard, I imagined the puzzle of a doe and fawn at my grandmother's house. The acronym didn't make much sense, partly because spelling wasn't my forte. Wouldn't it have been easier just to write "R.E.A.D.," which is the same four letters yet provides far more accurate imagery? And while we're at it, why not give other subjects an acronym that has barely any relation to the activity? Should we call gym Running Around With Rhythm? What about snack time: Sit At Table And Nibble? Perhaps at a Catholic school, the acronym wouldn't be appreciated. Finally, you hear the crinkle. It's coming from underneath your math workbook. Rummaging complete, you yank it out. The room feels silent. You quietly lower your desk lid and peer over the top. You're last. Again. Heads on elbows. Chins on fists. Backs slouched against butterfly cushions. Everyone is reading. How did they get there so fast? Mrs. Surface is hovering beside you. "Are you ready to get started?" she whispers. Mrs. Surface always felt more like a friend than a teacher. She had been over to your house, and you to hers. She was always there to catch you when you were about to fall. Most of the time, metaphorically. "What page are you on?" Mrs. Surface whispers. "Thirty-two," you whisper back, unfurling the book and opening it to a random page somewhere near the front. Everyone Else Is Reading You gaze into your book, allowing your eyes to blur, and you begin doing all the things that look like reading but aren't actually reading. Head held still, your eyes wander off the page and slink across the floor. You see Logan twitching his foot, his untied shoelace just barely grazing the ground. Beyond the desk legs, a bookmark has fallen. Probably Caroline's. The good-behavior paper chain behind her has almost reached the top of the purple plastic bucket, and is now three or maybe even two links away from the pizza party. Zach is breathing loudly next to you. He is totally absorbed in his book. Have you ever watched someone read? Their eyeballs jitter across the page. It's not smooth like sledding. It actually looks more like hopscotch. Sudden abrupt jumps, both eyes exactly matching. There's a lump under your page, and you realize it's a sunken bookmark--just a few pages ahead. You jump to that page. At least your bookmark knows where you are. Or where you last gave up. Clocking In The key to speeding up the clock during D.E.A.R. is to allow your mind to get lost in a story so rambunctious or a memory so vivid that you forget you're stuck in a classroom, imprisoned by the silence of your peers' productivity. It's time to let your mind meander. You stare at the tennis balls that have an X sliced in them. Mrs. Surface jammed them onto the end of each chair leg so that your class could slide and glide rather than screech. Nothing. Ticking. A sigh. Getting your mind going is a lot like watching Dad start his old green Saab on the way to school. It takes a few tries. And the more you let your frustration build, the longer it seems to take for the car to get started. Back to the classroom. Daniel is turning the page of his spy novel. Hayley's reading about horses. Mrs. Surface glances up from her desk. Better turn a page. You think about recess. At ten fifteen, you will line up at the door and start a chant. The whole class will pump their arms back and forth, cheering "L-E-T-S G-O, Let's Go, Let's Go. L-E-T-S G-O, LETTTTSSSSZZZZ GO!!!" You chant twice in your head. But then it fades to silence. Nothing. Dear Time, please go faster. You're still stuck in the room. You flip another page. Page flipping is key. Spend too much time on a page, and you might catch the teacher's attention. She might come over and ask you how the book is going or--worse yet--quiz your comprehension. It's tempting to move your head and stare at the ceiling and walls for inspiration. But to avoid suspicion, you have to keep your head tilted down and pointed toward the book. This severely limits the amount of exploration that your eyes can do. You look for the teacher's assistant, who usually sits by the door. She gives you winks throughout the day. And sometimes candy. But she's not there. You sneak a glance at Mrs. Surface's big beige desk. And remember a week earlier, when you crouched behind it and wiggled on a pair of blue jeans for the school play. You were a sunflower in a dyed, mud-color shirt, wearing a yellow hat with a crown of felt petals. Your neighbors, the Shears, had shown up to the dress rehearsal to watch you perform. They were the only ones in attendance. The performance, which lasted the length of a single song, began with you crouched in a ball, head resting against the wood floor with your eyes closed tight. You were a seed. There was a part in the music when the entire class was supposed to sprout up together. The teacher asked if everyone heard the moment when the cymbals clashed. Everyone nodded. You had no idea, but nodding was the easiest option. You think you hear a light cymbal crash and begin to sprout--popping your head up from your knees with a big smile. And then you glance to the side to see two rows of your classmates still curled up as seeds. Too early. Back down you go. The rare case of a plant un-sprouting. You try to listen for cymbals, or clashes, or a fourth beat. Perhaps counting will help. Then you hear someone whisper your name: a whisper from the front row as Mrs. Shears notices a missing plant. You are still able to peek out at the last minute--when spring is almost over. The last one to grow. Of course, the Shears still clapped like you gave the best performance. And perhaps it was the most entertaining. Eight minutes have passed. You got lucky with your classroom seat this month. It faces the clock so you don't have to contort your body to peek at the time. Better turn the page. You allow your mind to twist and wander. And then, seventeen minutes in, you feel a kick on your shin. It came from one of the desks in your quad, either Forest or Charlie. It probably wasn't Charlie. He's not a kicker. You flip the page, a subtle way of announcing, Hey, I'm reading here. Even though it hasn't been a full two minutes since your last page flip, it has been a while since you gave yourself a short interval. Short pages are your favorite. Sometimes you even read them. Then, another kick. It is Forest. Now you're intrigued. "James . . . ," he whispers. You ignore him, not wanting to get into trouble. Again, this time louder, "James . . ." You look up. "What?" A few classmates peek up from their books. You stare back at him. But he's not relenting. "James, your book." The kerfuffle has raised eyebrows. Mrs. Surface is walking toward the desk now. "Is something the matter, boys?" Mrs. Surface asks as she hovers over your shoulder. "Umm, Mrs. Surface," Forest announces, his subtle upspeak suggesting he is about to tattle. "James's book is upside down." It's an abrupt revelation. And you have little time for recovery, since Mrs. Surface is already standing right next to you. You bring the page into focus. He's not wrong. The words are upside down. But the real problem is bigger than that. Not only have you been holding it upside down, but with each carefully timed flip of the page, you have been going backward, closer and closer to the beginning of the book. You told Mrs. Surface that you were starting on page thirty-two. Now you are on seventeen. Neither the page number nor the whispers and giggles spreading throughout the classroom seem to matter to Mrs. Surface. Instead, she crouches down to eye level and catches you in your lie with one simple question: "What happened in your book today?" Excerpted from Whale Eyes: A Memoir about Seeing and Being Seen by James Robinson All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
