Chapter 1: The Case for Good MannersCHAPTER 1 The Case for Good Manners I will now mount my soapbox. Etiquette and good manners are needed more than ever. You can't scroll through a news app or swipe on social media without seeing someone attacking someone else, being discourteous, or not doing the right thing. Mismannered culprits will argue that civility is no longer relevant, and that we are now in a totally different world, where anything goes. Personal choice and freedom have, they say, replaced the need for observing the little courtesies and pleasantries. It's dog-eat-dog. But I contend that the people who make this argument are (badly) trying to disguise their own ignorance of the rules and accepted norms. They probably fail to realize that many of the principles of good manners have evolved over time. Some have been adjusted with trial and error, others by common sense, and the rest have their origins in our rich history. However they have been formed, most of the principles of politeness will outlast the naysayers, because most of us still want to treat others well. On other occasions, out there in the wilderness, I find specimens who agree that manners are needed, but that etiquette is not. Lunacy! You cannot have manners without etiquette. Yes, they are different, but they are also a married couple. And like any married couple, sometimes they disagree and contradict each other. But, contretemps aside, ultimately they are a unit. Manners are the guiding principles of putting people at their ease, of not embarrassing others, and of generally putting yourself second. Good manners are selfless, not selfish. All cultures around the globe believe in the importance of good manners. Etiquette, on the other hand, is a set of rules by which a society lives. How you become well-mannered is (nine times out of ten) by following the rules of etiquette. There are times when the rules will not be appropriate, and when actually the politest thing is to do quite the opposite to what the rule book says.... But more often than not, the correct etiquette is exactly that--correct! To be the most well-mannered person in the room, you need to know the rules of etiquette and have the confidence to break those rules at the appropriate moment. There is an apocryphal story, allegedly involving Charles III when he was Prince of Wales. Supposedly, during an official dinner for a visiting dignitary from a developing country, finger food was served and cut-glass finger bowls were set above the forks, as is the custom. Said distinguished guest innocently mistook the finger bowl for his water glass, picked it up, and started drinking from it. Some British guests saw and started to quietly laugh and point. Charles, noticing this, picked up his own finger bowl and drank from it to silence them and make the guest of honor feel at ease. While it is definitely not etiquette to drink from a finger bowl, it is very bad manners to laugh at someone who does, especially when they are from a country where they have more pressing things to worry about other than finger-bowl finesse. That same story is told with a variety of protagonists, from Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands to Jacqueline Kennedy, so we may never know who it really was--if it was anyone at all--but being patriotic and shamelessly hoping for a knighthood one day, I attribute it to our now king. "Etiquette" has become a loaded word. Its grander French etymology adds some off-putting gilding. It may be hard for someone who has had a far-from-royal upbringing to think they need to observe the rules of etiquette. But every situation involves a code of behavior, whether people like it or not. It's not just about who is presented to whom at court; it's how to handle breakups with grace and to let a restaurant know you are still coming the day before. I dare say there is even etiquette around a gangland drug exchange! So long as humans interact with one another, there will be the need for etiquette and manners. I do accept that some people can use etiquette for improper means, however. The television show Ladette to Lady --which briefly aired in America as The Girls of Hedsor Hall , executive-produced by Donald Trump--was a prime example of etiquette gone rogue. To be fair to those involved, they were victims of the era of car-crash television (although they did go along with it for multiple series). But showing coiffured harridans screaming at Jemma, jailed for flashing her breasts in Faliraki as she exited a hatchback clumsily, was never going to be good PR for politeness. Shows like these failed to acknowledge that etiquette evolves and changes rather than being frozen in a bygone era. Where it was once about gaining skills to catch a husband or preparing to inherit the family seat, today etiquette helps us progress at work, make friends from all walks of life, and simply become a kind, compassionate person whom others want to be around. Granted, we are using rules that have been around for some time, many of which were codified in a more gilded habitat, but, at their core, they are applicable anywhere. Some of the etiquette we still use today does originate from a more rarefied environment. Particularly in Britain, it is hard to separate it from social class. Even now, with a less rigid class structure than in previous centuries, much focus is put on class, as we're so obsessed with it--with each of us, whether secretly or openly, aspiring to a perceived greatness (though each person will define greatness in their own way). It's become taboo to acknowledge that we still have a class structure. But the more we talk about something and acknowledge it, gently mocking it where it needs to be mocked, the less of an issue it will be. The world is very different than it was in the respective days of Pride and Prejudice 's Elizabeth Bennet and Downton Abbey 's Lord and Lady Grantham. Thanks to the relative ease of international travel and the internet, the world has become much smaller, and we interact with people far more often and at a quicker pace than any of our predecessors. Since COVID-19, we easily meet people from all over the world on video calls, driving globalized communication even further than we could have anticipated before the pandemic. While taking the time to do things with courtesy, respect for others, and self-respect may slow us down, it is only infinitesimally. And if you know the rules and are confident with them, they become second nature. I always give the analogy of driving a car. Unless you are the next best thing to Dale Earnhardt Jr. when you first learn to drive, you will be so worried about keeping the car on the road, and going in a straight line without hitting any passing pensioners, that you won't be able to make chitchat with your instructor, have the radio on, or check your hair in the mirror. But once you pass your test and have mastered your maneuvering, all those things become instinctive--and your muscle memory takes over as you change gears and shift lanes. Etiquette should be like that. It is not a restrictive straitjacket to keep people in their place, but a series of tried-and-tested guidelines for an easy life with few crashes. Contemporary etiquette is rooted in six key principles. Humility True humility is not merely the absence of arrogance, but a refined expression of self-awareness--a knowing understatement that elevates the collective comfort over individual accolades. It is this artful modesty that oils the gears of our social machinery, ensuring that interactions are marked not by brash self-promotion but by a gracious, understated acknowledgment of one's own place and achievements. Consider my favorite sitcom character, Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping Up Appearances , which remains the BBC's most exported sitcom. She was funny to those watching, as the endless domestic rodomontade and perpetual varnishing of her life jarred with the usual British way of doing things, even though dear Hyacinth would have said she was British to the core. The show got five seasons of mileage from the floral protagonist's desperate attempts to elevate her life to something more akin to the higher social plane on which she averred she belonged. Humility is not about being a snob, but instead is the opposite of boasting about achievements and triumphs, and making others feel like they have not achieved the same greatness. There is something very satisfying about the quiet confidence of knowing that you are right about something, but not announcing it to everyone with bombastic conviction. Hospitality I promise I am not being sponsored by the British tourism board, but once again, the British lead the way. Our hospitality is not merely by accident but by design--shaped by centuries of interaction, integration, and influence from across the globe. The British Isles have always been a crossroads of civilizations, ideas, and peoples, each leaving an indelible mark on the country's culture, cuisine, and character--like the houseguest that leaves a mark on the herringbone wood block, but in these instances, a more palatable one. Our global outlook and role as a nexus of the Commonwealth have fostered connections--though historically not always consensually--with countries and cultures around the world, enriching our own nation with a variety of perspectives and experiences. Hospitality is defined by making guests feel valued, comfortable, and welcomed through attentiveness and respect. Focusing on them first, rather than on your own needs. Rank The column inches devoted to the issue of whether Harry and Meghan should be stripped of their titles would not have existed anywhere else except in Britain, as no other country cares as much as the British; titles carry cachet, and are a way for us to respect the institutions and celebrate the achievements of those around us. The fascination with rank and titles is emblematic of a society deeply rooted in a monarchical and aristocratic system that has, over centuries, evolved but never entirely faded. This enduring preoccupation serves as a testament to the nation's rich heritage and our unwavering commitment to preserving the legacy of our forebears. It is a realm where the subtle distinctions between a duke and a marquess, or the precise manner in which one addresses a knight or a baronet, are not merely trifles but essential threads in the fabric of British identity, marking us out from many other countries. This fastidious attention to rank and titles underscores a broader cultural ethos that prizes respect, formality, and the recognition of achievement and status. Many forget that when we bow or curtsy to the monarch, we are not genuflecting because that person is any better than us. We are acknowledging that they hold the most important office--and in this instance, we are respecting the office, not the person. Although we may well respect the person, too. Even in America, where there are far fewer grand and seemingly archaic-sounding titles, rank still plays a key role in the manners of daily life. But those ranks manifest themselves in personal-professional accomplishments, such as a doctor, a member of the military, a teacher, or someone else who holds a key public service role. Patience The best and most common example of patience is found when we have to line up for something. Whether waiting for public transport, at the supermarket checkout, or in receiving lines at weddings, politeness takes patience, respecting the principle of "first come, first served." Break that rule at your peril. Moreover, etiquette emphasizes the importance of listening attentively and allowing others to express themselves fully before responding. You only have to compare debate segments on NPR to those on cable news to realize that, although not perfect, most radio guests will wait for the other person to finish their point--however ludicrous--or get very annoyed if they themselves are cut off mid-flow. You get conversations on the radio and shouting matches on TV. Thoughtful communication is valued over hasty, ill-conceived reactions. Much of our dining etiquette and table manners are based on delayed gratification. The ritual of afternoon tea encourages participants to savor the moment and engage in unhurried conversation over several hours--the antidote to the ultra-processed, fast-food meal-deal culture of gobble and go. Passive Aggression The penultimate key principle of British manners is passive aggression. While that may sound unkind to my fellow Brits, they can take it, don't worry. Looked at another way, it's really another way to exercise patience, holding on to our most base thoughts rather than blurting something out we may regret later: a perfect way for Brits to avoid being be too direct, allowing us to hide behind some tart humor. Our humble approach to including people, whatever their rank, and with our characteristic stoicism has led to a healthy helping of gentle insincerity. We know we are meant to be polite and always consider others, and generally always do, but often this manifests itself in slightly maniacal turns of phrase. As we will see throughout this book, a recurring theme is our passive-aggressive edge. We'll visit the courteous cathedral and discover the Bishop of Norwich later. A popular graphic on the internet is the three-columned chart of "What the British say, what the British mean, and what foreigners understand." This, too, is laden with a good helping of the "pass-agg." When Brits say, "With all due respect," we are not actually giving any respect. What we Brits actually mean is: "You are a complete nit, but we understand, as humans in a civilized society, that we can't just say that." Humor Finally, a key value of good manners is having a sense of humor. We may be fiercely protective, but we can laugh at ourselves and the etiquette we have created. There is a danger that those not acclimatized to Britain think we are taking it all deathly seriously. Often, we are not. We find our quirks and eccentricities most amusing. Our funny bone is also a defense mechanism. The first reaction to something objectionable or bizarre is to find something funny rather than jumping straight to outrage. There is a widely held belief that the British sense of humor and our love of satire (of ourselves and our leaders) is the best protection against a dictator or despot taking power. We'd just laugh at them, quashing any power they thought they had. The rules, however, will change and adapt over time. As we invent new technologies and become more aware of different perspectives, the etiquette and manners will evolve. Never assume we can cease learning what's correct and what isn't, as certain things will become outdated. For those of us secure enough in our skin, that's more exciting than a freshly starched, crisp white napkin. Though the rules will vary, I suspect the six principles will remain as the six cornerstones of the hexagonal cathedral of British manners. But while we believe that respect, tolerance, humility, inclusion, good humor, and patience are all needed, and that no one is exempt from displaying common courtesy, we are aware that at times there are things of greater importance than whether the cream goes first or last on a scone. Excerpted from Just Good Manners: A Quintessential Guide to Courtesy, Charm, Grace, and Decorum by William Hanson All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
