Rule 1: You're in Charge RULE 1: YOU'RE IN CHARGE Imagine that when you were a kid you went to your parents and said, "Now that I'm 10, I want you to buy me a gadget that costs $1,000 plus $40 for every month I have it. I'll be able to communicate with my friends and with adults I've never met every second of every day. And by the way, I'll never look up from my hand again." They would have said no. Or, maybe you'd try going to them and saying, "Now that I'm 12, I want to take 200 pictures of myself in a skimpy bikini and put them someplace where everyone in my school can see them and tell me if they like how I look." (A fairly accurate definition of Instagram.) Again, they would have said no. Today, most parents say yes to these requests. Or they say yes without knowing what they're saying yes to when they hand their kids a smartphone. They're not bad parents--they're often the same parents who set rules for their kids in the real world. But with smartphones and social media, it's become very easy for parents and kids to get swept up in what everyone else is doing. And everyone is doing it: On average, kids now get their first smartphone around age 11, and 38% of 10- to 12-year-olds use social media. As you saw in the last chapter, the results have been catastrophic. With use so pervasive and the dangers so dire, parents are in a tough spot. But there is a way out: You have to be in charge. For a previous generation of parents, that was obvious (and if you didn't like it, well, sonny, you can get out of the car and walk). For us, it's not. Being an authority figure seems a little strange. We left behind the harmful practices of our parents and grandparents, like spanking and shaming. We vowed we would never say "because I said so." We want to show our kids we love them, and we don't want them to be upset. Is it working? Only sort of. THE BEST PARENTING STYLE Parenting styles are a favorite topic in popular media, so you may have heard of helicopter parenting (hovering over kids), snowplow parenting (removing all of the obstacles in their way), gentle parenting (never saying no), or lighthouse parenting (being a source for insight but not interfering too much). Academic research has instead focused on four parenting styles. Each is low or high on affection and low or high on rules. It looks like this, with my addition of an ocean animal name for each, so they're easier to remember: Low affection High affection Low rules Uninvolved (fish) Permissive (sea sponge) High rules Authoritarian (tiger shark) Authoritative (dolphin) Figure 1.1: The four parenting styles What does each of these mean in practice? Uninvolved parenting (Fish parenting). These parents provide for children's basic needs but then offer little nurturance or expectations. They are a little like fish, who lay eggs and then swim away, leaving their offspring to fend for themselves. Fish parents don't set rules but also don't show much affection or love. Permissive parenting (Sea sponge parenting). Sea sponges have no backbone, and neither do permissive parents. They are affectionate and nurturing, but don't set limits for their kids. Elsewhere I've seen them called jellyfish parents, but since jellyfish sting, this doesn't fit. Permissive parents have no sting. "Gentle parenting" is a type of permissive parenting--lots of affection but few rules and little enforcement. Authoritarian parenting (Tiger shark parenting). These parents enforce rigid rules, rarely explain anything, and punish harshly. They seldom show affection and aren't very nurturant. This is the old-school parent who answers questions with "because I said so." They're like the shark who goes straight for the bite. Authoritarian parenting overlaps with the "Tiger Mom" idea of expecting kids to obey so they can succeed in ways the parent deems important (such as getting all A's or making a sports team). Authoritative parenting (Dolphin parenting). This is the best of both worlds: a parent who shows affection but also sets boundaries and rules. That also means parents usually explain why the rules are there instead of resorting to "because I said so." The "dolphin" label comes from authoritative parents being firm but flexible, like the body of a dolphin. This analogy is admittedly what my kids call "cringe," but it's also memorable. The research is clear that authoritative (dolphin) parenting works the best and leads to the most well-adjusted children, because it includes both affection and rules. The other parenting styles all fail in one way or another. Permissive (sea sponge) parenting sounds fun and loving, but doesn't work out well in the short term (kids who are never told no are often terrors) or the long term (what happens when they go to school or have a job and are told no?). Uninvolved (fish) parents are the worst of both worlds: They don't set rules or show affection. Both of these parenting styles set few limits on kids, which often leads to unhealthy choices (like Cocoa Puffs for dinner or staying up until midnight on a school night). Tiger shark authoritarian parents set rules but end up with children who misbehave when they're left on their own without the parent there to enforce the rules. The children of tiger shark parents often develop into adults who need external pressure to get motivated. The parent-child relationship also suffers when parents don't show affection. Authoritative (dolphin) parenting also works the best for device use. It means setting reasonable rules and enforcing them, while also being affectionate and empathetic to children's needs. Clinical psychologist and parenting expert Becky Kennedy calls this type of parenting "Sturdy Leadership"--it's a combination of validating feelings but also holding boundaries. She suggests parents should respond to kids pushing back on rules with something like this: "One of my main jobs is to make decisions that I think are good for you, even when you're upset with me. This is one of those times. I get that you're upset, I really do." LONG-TERM GOALS Most modern parents are on board with the validating feelings and empathy part of authoritative parenting. We want to show our kids we love them, and we empathize with our kids more than our parents did with us. We want our kids to be happy. That's a good goal, but there's a difference between short-term happiness and long-term happiness. Your job is not to make your kids happy at every moment. It's to raise competent adults who will be happy in the long term. Your most important job as a parent is giving your children experiences that help them grow. Sure, there can be childish fun along the way, but not so much that it overwhelms healthy long-term development. That means having rules and enforcing them. Parenting is different from other relationships: It is not a partnership of equals. Kids' brains aren't equipped to make the best choices for the future, so you have to guide them. Forget about always giving them what they want; give them what they need--not just for now but for the long term. That's the balance struck by authoritative (dolphin) parenting. Yes, we want to be close to our kids, but we're not their friends. We're their parents. Thinking long-term, how can your child spend their time so they grow into a healthy, independent adult? More time on devices is not usually the answer to this question. The ultimate test is the opinions of young adults who grew up with these technologies. In a recent poll, half of 18- to 27-year-olds said they wished TikTok and Snapchat had never been invented. It is difficult to imagine that this many young adults in the 1990s wished TV was never invented. Nearly 6 out of 10 young adults think parents should not give children smartphones before high school. Activist groups like Design It For Us and LOG OFF, led by young adults, have lobbied Congress for more regulation of social media. Even many kids are asking for more rules and less technology--this is not solely the province of parents and other older people. That should give you confidence in your decisions to limit your kids' device use. "Why do parents give their children smartphones?" asked middle school student Anushka Trivedi. "I think I finally know the answer now. Parents want to have a good relationship with their children, so they give them everything they want to make them happy." Her peers, she writes, "do not know how to control their smartphone usage.... When I look at my classmates' faces, absorbed in their smartphones, they look eerily expressionless, even hollow. Their eyes look tired and droopy; their faces look drained and sulking. They look like they have no choice." When UK journalist Decca Aitkenhead asked sisters Edie, 15, and Rose, 13, if they loved social media, they looked at her like she was crazy. "You know it's all fake but you still feel like it's real. You still can't help comparing yourself with everyone who looks pretty and feeling bad about yourself," said Rose. When Aitkenhead asked the girls to join a group of teens giving up their phones for a month, they jumped at the chance. "It gives us an excuse," Edie said. "We get to escape this trap for a whole month without looking weird. We can say we're doing it for The Sunday Times ." Overall, kids are surprisingly self-aware that the time they spend online is often not beneficial or healthy. They've even come up with a name for the reality-bending effects of being chronically online: brain rot. The phrase is so descriptive of life today that the Oxford English Dictionary named it the word of the year for 2024. WHY SETTING BOUNDARIES ON DEVICE USE IS HARD Most parents figure out how to set reasonable limits in real-world contexts, like bedtimes and rules like "no dessert until you've finished your dinner." But with devices, setting boundaries often feels much harder. That's for at least four very understandable reasons: 1. We didn't grow up with these technologies, so we often don't understand their pitfalls and dangers. When you don't have an Instagram account, it's easy to optimistically assume that Instagram is just a place where teens share pictures with each other. Even if you have an Instagram account, your feed probably looks different from your kid's and has a different impact on you. When you have never heard of Discord, it's difficult to imagine that the platform has allowed adults to blackmail teens into attempting suicide (which, unfortunately, it has). When you didn't get a smartphone until you were an adult, it's difficult to imagine the teen requirement of instant responses to texts. Many of us don't realize just how easy it is for kids to access pornography online because when we were younger porn was much harder for kids to access. 2. It's difficult to observe what kids are doing on their devices. Unless you have the highest level of parental monitoring software installed, you probably have no idea what your kid is doing on their phone. When J does her homework on paper, I can see she's doing her homework. When she does it on her school laptop, I never know if she's doing homework or watching YouTube. 3. There are few regulations in place to protect children online. If your 13-year-old wants to drive a car, you can say no. You can tell them, truthfully, that the law requires that they be a minimum age (usually 16) and have a license, and that they (or you) could get arrested if they drove. If your kid wants to smoke cigarettes, you can tell them they won't be able to buy them until they are 18 or 21. If they want to drink alcohol, you can say they must be the minimum age for their county. In contrast, the few laws that exist for social media and websites are rarely enforced. The parent who doesn't want their kid to buy alcohol can usually count on the drinking age being enforced by bars, restaurants, and stores. The parent who doesn't want their kid to use social media is pretty much on their own. Yes, this is hard--but most worthwhile things are hard. And even setting some limits is better than none. That's where this book comes in--to help you set those boundaries. 4. The consequences for kids breaking the rules are often unclear. Fortunately, they don't have to be. Let's say a kid grabs their phone in the middle of the night to watch videos. What do you do--should you take their phone away for a day or two? Some argue that this isn't a good solution because then they are cut off from their friends. But you could also argue that that makes the consequence even more impactful, and the incentive to follow the rules even more powerful. It also makes sense in the context of other activities. If a teen didn't follow the rules of driving--if, say, they got two speeding tickets in a month--nearly every parent would agree that they shouldn't be able to drive for a while. Having a phone is a privilege, not a right. If they can't use it responsibly, they can't use it at all for a few days. If your kid really needs their phone outside the house, you can still take it away when they are at home. If they then decide they're going to spend all of their time away from home, you can restrict what the phone can do, using parental controls to cut off access to everything but calling and texting (third-party software is going to work best; see Rules 6 and 9). That also works if you don't want to physically take the phone from your kid. The good news is most kids, even teens, respond to structure and limits. They like knowing what to expect and what the rules are, even around screens. When E started watching TV nearly all day on the weekends in 8th grade, I was tempted to let it go. I knew she was struggling with some friend issues at school and I didn't want to make her unhappy. But I realized that she was missing out on other things, like spending time with her sisters and reading, that would be better for her than hours of TV. I told her that from now on she could watch TV only after dinner. I took the TV remote and hid it. Frankly, I expected a meltdown, but I didn't get one. At first she wasn't happy, but within a day she'd found other things to do; she and her younger sister started spending more time on their bikes and more time goofing around with each other. Some nights she doesn't even ask for the remote anymore. I think this worked because the rule was clear and there was no easy way to circumvent it--she had to get the remote from me. HOW FLEXIBLE SHOULD YOU BE, AND HOW MUCH SHOULD YOU EXPLAIN Being in charge doesn't mean being completely inflexible. Sometimes your kids will have a good reason to use their phone on vacation, for example. Still, if you give in, it's harder to go back. An absolute rule is almost always easier to enforce than a piecemeal one. And although it's good to share your reasoning behind rules with your kids, too much explaining invites arguing back. It's a delicate balance. Your level of flexibility and explanations will partially depend on the age of your children. For younger children--say, elementary school age--simple rules are best and not as much context is necessary. Tell them what the rule is, and if they ask why, explain it briefly. Most kids this age will accept the rule without much pushback. By the time your kid is in middle school, though, you'll need to explain the rules in more detail. Tell them about how devices interfere with sleep (Rule 2) and about the downsides of social media (Rule 3). They still may argue, but you're more likely to get buy-in if you've told them why the rule is important. If they say all their friends have social media or a smartphone, say different families have different rules. After they hit middle school, it's also harder to enforce an absolute no-devices rule, because they will likely need to do at least some of their homework on a laptop. (There's more on laptops in Rule 9.) If you have more than one child, you'll have to be ready to respond to "but my brother gets to..." if you have children of different ages. Tell your younger child they will also have the privilege when they reach that age. But being in charge and having some rules gives you a basic roadmap to navigate through each child's individual circumstances. CONVERSATIONS TO HAVE WITH YOUR KIDS Of course, it's not just explaining the rules--you'll also want to talk to your kids about how social media works and some of the dangers they may face online. To repeat: Conversations about tech dangers cannot take the place of having rules . Some people say parents don't need to set rules around technology because we should just teach kids to "use their devices responsibly." How about we do both? Let's teach them about the pitfalls of devices while also having rules to ease them into the Wild West of the online world. I can't see someone arguing that we should just talk to kids about not smoking and then teach them to "use tobacco responsibly." Instead, we rightly have laws against kids buying cigarettes. Similarly, having conversations about responsible tech use is necessary but not sufficient. Once your kids are old enough to get on the internet, even with parental controls in place, there are a few conversations you need to have with them. Talk about these things by the time they are 10, or younger if they have a device (including a tablet or laptop) with internet access. 1. Never, ever send someone a nude picture of yourself. Never. Once it's out there it can go anywhere--the person that has it has the power to send it to anyone you know. Don't give anyone that power. 2. Don't post anything on social media or online that you wouldn't want announced on a loudspeaker at school. You might think of it as just being for your friends, but you never know who's going to see it. Someone could take a picture or a screenshot of it and it could go anywhere. Plus, anything you post on social media can stay there forever. Same goes for posting pictures of friends or classmates that might embarrass them. Don't do it. 3. Don't share information about your identity online or while gaming. That includes your home address, your Social Security number, and your passwords. If you get an email that sounds urgent, think twice before clicking on any links. 4. Don't assume that texts or Snapchats are private. Texts feel private because they're usually exchanged between two people, but if the friendship goes sour--as can happen, especially among kids--those texts could be used as ammunition. Snapchats can be screenshotted and posted. Set social media accounts to private, but don't assume they will stay 100% private. 5. Think twice, and three times, before you post anything mean, and then don't do it. Imagine that you are saying it to their face. It's easy to dash off a cruel text or comment when someone isn't there in front of you, and harder to do it when you see the look on their face. But it will affect them just the same. 6. If you're curious about bodies or sex, ask me first, or we can look it up together. I've told my kids this many times and usually add this: If you go searching yourself, you might see things you can't unsee. There's just too much disturbing stuff online when you search for these topics. If you've installed parental controls that filter websites (see Rules 6 and 9), most sexually explicit material will be blocked, but stuff can sometimes get through. Some kids are open to the idea of coming to their parents with these types of questions. Others may be more reluctant, but it's good for them to know the offer is there. 7. Your time is a precious resource. Ask your teens this question: What are you going to remember from your teen years--the hours you spent playing Block Blast , or the times you spent with your friends in person? What could you get better at--reading, drawing, playing the guitar--if you stopped scrolling Instagram? Some kids will argue that they explore their interests through social media. That may be true, but they are also well aware it's a huge time sink. Teach them that moderation is key--and then put the parental controls (see Rule 6) in place to make sure you're not wasting your breath. This is definitely a situation where talking isn't enough. BE A ROLE MODEL Last but not least: Put your own phone away as much as you can. It's usually not a good idea to say one thing and do another. Being a good role model is important--teens in particular can smell hypocrisy miles away. If you hate it when your kids pull out their phones during a conversation, you shouldn't be doing that either. As the adult, you are allowed a certain amount of "digital hypocrisy"--you may need to be glued to your phone sometimes if you're on call at work or are the contact for an elderly parent. But as much as possible, model the tech behavior you'd like to see. COMMON OBSTACLES AND PUSHBACKS 1. "You can't put the genie back in the bottle." I sometimes hear this from parents who have already given their kids a smartphone or let them use social media. But of course you can go back--remember, you're in charge. It's never too late, and the best time to change is right now. Set the smartphone aside until they are older and, if they really need a phone, get them a basic phone (see Rule 4). Uninstall the problematic social media app or set time limits on it (see Rule 6). Becky Kennedy advises parents to think of themselves as a pilot "who always has the right to return to base should the skies be more turbulent than expected--in fact, this is something the passengers would want a pilot to do, even if they seem annoyed in the moment. You are the pilot of your family plane." 2. "But Mom/Dad, all of my friends... [have a gaming console in their bedroom/are on Snapchat/have a smartphone]." Remember what your parents said when you made this argument? "If all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?" You might have been arguing about dying your hair, getting a belly button piercing, collecting as many Beanie Babies as your friends, or staying out until midnight. Sure, sometimes your parents said yes, but just as often they said no, and they usually weren't particularly persuaded by the "everyone's doing it" idea. You shouldn't be either. Devices aren't any different. Your kids will still find ways to keep in touch with their friends. 3. "You're ruining my life!" Ah, the age-old teen lament. College students whose parents put restrictions on their devices when they were younger always tell me they're glad their parents did so. Others tell me about the negative--and occasionally horrifying--experiences they had on social media, sometimes at extremely young ages. In other words, you're not ruining your kid's life by setting some boundaries around devices. You're improving it. Excerpted from 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World: How Parents Can Stop Smartphones, Social Media, and Gaming from Taking over Their Children's Lives by Jean M. Twenge All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
